Print This Post

“5 Simple Steps: Cooking Your Brain” (comedy) 2-3 Minutes

Photo Courtesy MANSION WB

 

COOK:   (Going down checklist on piece of paper)  Let’s see…I have, this…this…this…this, this, this.  

(pause.)

Good.  Okay, good.

(beat)

(reads directions aloud quickly)

Take red marker and draw even line around the circumference…(to himself) DID THAT.  (reading directions)  Baaa baaaa baaa.  OKAY, place chainsaw evenly against forehead and begin cutting…

(to himself)

How the hell am I going to do that without…(aggravated sigh)  Cut evenly, cut evenly. Okay…(puts chainsaw up to his forehead)  Let me see now.  Okay, that feels about even.

(brings chainsaw down and reads directions quickly)

Turn chainsaw on keeping steady as not to go off red marked line.  Hmmm mmmm hmmm mmmm.  Circle head circumference three full times moving clockwise and a fourth time counter clockwise.

Then sit down and grin.

In one swift pluck, grab skull above red line and remove.  (to himself)  Okay.  (back to reading directions)  Place removed skull into bin.  Gently go inside exposed skull and carefully tear out brain….while saying the phrase, “WHICH WAY DID HE GO GEORGE, WHICH WAY DID HE GO?”, three times.

Walk over to your stove.  Dip brain into boiling hot water fooooooooooor ten full minutes.  Take brain out and place into pan.  Be sure to make sure that the flame under pan is on.  Caress the brain with olive oil.  Add onion, salt, pepper, shallots; stir fry.

Poke the brain around with a spatula.  Do it clumsy.  Watch blood leak out and bubble.  

(pause.)

Make your own intelligence is well done…

(pause.)

(continues reading directions aloud)

Add cinnamon if you desire for additional flavor.  Chop up brain, silly.  Chop, chop, chop away until the break of day and let’s say that we should play until the month of may but can you honestly say that you’ve been laid in so long you are wrong because if you haven’t than you haven’t eaten brains because the brains make you, ELECTRIFIED with sexual charisma.  

(beat)

Taste.  YUM.  That’s good.  Brain is so good.  Monkey brains.  I am a monkey brain. Doggy brains.  Brains.  Medium rare brains.  Brains.  Raw brains, not so good but well done brains; best brains for best flavor.  

(stops reading the directions)

(to himself) 

These directions don’t make sense!

(calls friend)

Eh Dan, big D what’s up brotha?  Listen, when you cooked your brain, did you feel electrified?  Cause, I remember you told me you felt dignified.  Was it dignified or electrified?  Cause I bought the same recipe you told me about and…  (he listens)  Ohhh; Ohhh I see.  Shit.  So I got the wrong recipe???  Aww Man I can’t have the wrong recipe bro because I have Caitlyn coming over tonight and I made it sound like I know how to cook and you know I don’t, you know I am the biggest joke in the kitchen.  Huh?  (he listens)  YES, it does say add cinnamon…Don’t add cinnamon?  Oh yeah?  Than I’ll feel dignified?  You sure?  Okay, cause this girl Caitlyn is a real brainy chick and I need to feel dignified enough for her so…(he listens)  You sure?  NO CINNAMON and what?  SPINACH JUICE???  Where the;  dude, it’s like eight thirty and she’s coming over in like twenty minutes or;  I really need spinach juice?  What the fuck is spinach juice man, I never heard of spinach juice in all my life?  Are you playing around?  Okay, okay, okay…(sighs)  I don’t know where…well, what happens if I don’t get spinach juice bro?  Hello?  YEAH, I said, what happens if I don’t get the spinach juice bro?

Come on man, just look it up online real quick for me cause my hands are tied…real quick, thanks, THANKS man.  Thanks.  

(long pause.)

Yeah…STIGNIFIED?  Wait, you said, STIGNIFIED, right?  Bro, that’s perfect!  Forget the spinach juice crap and let’s go with;  Did you know?  I bet we both just made the discovery, right?  (he chuckles)  Yeah boy, that’s dope.  Listen, listen, I’ll tell you after everything how it feels.  Okay?  Okay?  Bro, this girl is going to be so impressed tonight.  Alright, listen, let me run, thanks for your help and I’ll call you later.  Yeah, yeah, call you later on or tomorrow, I’ll just call you tomorrow.  Okay, okay.  PEACE.

(he hangs up phone)

(to himself)...No cinnamon…

Related posts:

1. 2-3 Minutes “Magical Winter Wonderland” (comedy) Photo Courtesy ROBERT COUSE-BAKER   BAKER:  I was chased...
2. “Mustache Mary” (comedy) 3 Minutes Photo Courtesy ALEX CHOI   Monologue Description: “Mustache Mary” is...
3. “Humming Sound” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes Photo Courtesy JIM LINWOOD Follow Me On Twitter: @JosephArnone Monologue...
4. “Pet Project” (comedy) 2-3 Minutes Photo Courtesy ZACK KLEIN Monologue Description: ”Pet Project” is...
5. “Watch Me Spin” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes Photo Courtesy Lint Machine LENNY: You know who I am? ...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.