50 Comic Monologues for Men

Need a male comical monologue? Below you will find 50 smackingly funny comedy monologues. Ladies, check out 50 Comic Monologues for Women.

  1. Side Effects – DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER: Diarrhea.  Cotton Mouth.  Hunger.  Watery Eyes.  Anal Swelling.  Nostril Flaring.  Sneezing. Constant Coughing.  Constant Farting.  Constant Belching.
  2. Upon My Return – SIR WALTER WALTER THE THIRD: It is TIME, my Lord.  What shall I do with the others?  Shall I slay them?  Much obliged.  My Lord, may I ask you something?
  3. YO – KIRBY: Yo?  What?  Yo?!  Did you just YO me?  You just yo’d me?  Do I look like a YO to you?  I have a name?  What’s my name?  Say my name.  Huh?  That’s right, Kiiiiirby.  That is my name.  KIRBY.
  4. Picasso Reincarnated – ULTIMATE JACKASS: I was walking around for two days thinking I was Picasso, when really what I was, was a major jackass.  I went to this store out in Long Island, Michael’s and I spent a couple of hundred bucks on supplies.
  5. There He Is – PETE:  My co-worker is the most annoying guy in the world.  I wish to God I wasn’t so nice to him when I first started working at my new job.  I should have wondered why he was so overly nice at the start.
  6. All Day Long – SAUL:  Hey babe, do me a favor…stuff my balls in my ass and let me borrow one of your skirts. Please.  At this point, I might as well grow a pair of tits and shave my beard, too.
  7. Nutter – POP:  We need to talk.  Listen…our daughter is dating an absolute nutter.  Shhh, shhhh, come here.  Earlier this morning, before him and I left the house together to go fishing, he was outside smoking a fag and do you know what he was doing?
  8. The Crop Duster – BUSTER WHO GOT CROP DUSTED:  I never in my life had someone fart point blank in my face, until yesterday.  I’m in a used bookstore, kneeling down on one knee, reaching for some books, when in comes the old man, like seventy-eight, streaming down the aisle in stealth mode.
  9. Medium – DEREK:  I’m a medium.  Why do you keep asking me if I’m a small?  Do I look like a hobbit to you?  I have wide shoulders. (standing up from his seat) Look.  Look at me.  See how my shoulders are wide and then as you go down it starts to V, that’s because I have wide shoulders, alright?
  10. Pet Project – BOGART(to himself)  I can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe I have to deal with this moron for an owner.
  11. Young Guy, Gettin’ High – JUSTIN: (singing to himself in a full length mirror)  I feel like freaking out, CAUSE I’M STOOOOONNNNNED!!!
  12. The Shoulder Test – AURY: You wanna know how to tell if a woman is going to be fat later in life?
  13. I Love Farting – WALT: I love farting. I do. You know, some people like to go fishing, others like to go sky diving, but not me, I find great joy and pleasure in releasing my passageway. I really do.
  14. Public High – DERRICK: I should be alright.  I feel alright, you know?  Yeah, let’s do this, I’m ready for this shit man.  I’ll be fine.
  15. Sack and Crack – BRUCE: Bro, bro listen, listen, lis…can you talk?  Are you alone?  Okay, listen, I gotta problem.  I gotta serious, SEROUS fucking problem right now.
  16. Soap and Water – SPENCE: You’re ready to go out tonight, man?  Yeah?  Okay then, do me a favor; would you mind scratching off the dried up boogie you have hanging off the side of your nose, please?
  17. Get Pumped – DOUG: Jeff, listen to me—don’t get insulted alright…but you never did this before and you have to start out slow.
  18. A Brilliant High – WAYZE: Yo, so I had like this brilliant high today man. Aaaa Aaaaa Aaaaa. It was sweet yo! Aaaa Aaaaa. So like I was just chilling out right, right and like I started getting stoned right, right?
  19. Howta Be A Gangsta – VIC: Hello and WELCOME to “HOWTA BE A GANGSTA”…I’m your host VIC BOOMBATS! (pronounced BOOM-BAATS)
  20. Howta Be A Gangsta – part 2 – VIC: (to camera)  Hello everybody and welcome to “VIC’S SHOW – HOWTA BE A GANGSTA”, I’m your host VIC!
  21. Giant Oak Tree – TOBEY: OOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  The car turned the corner man, it was like EEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR.
  22. Dump In Peace – KENNETH: I’m on the bowl, can you wait for me to finish….What?! What?! I, I can’t hear you. What?! I’m on the bowl! I’m…
  23. Neat Freak – ALEX: She is worse than the guy from the Odd Couple or the father from Full House or the maid from The Brady Bunch. Worse than my mother and grandmother combined.
  24. Franky Ace – FRANKY ACE: Scuse Me, let me ask you somethin’, let me ask ya..I’m trying to fit Franky Ace on this new Blazer I just bought but the letters don’t fit. You know what I’m sayin’?
  25. My Wife Is A Porn Star – BILLY: My wife is a porn star okay?  Big fucking deal.  Wippedty Dippedty Doo Daa Day.  So what?  It doesn’t bother me none to see other guys bang her out.  No really, it doesn’t.
  26. Hairy Pits” (comedy) 2 Minutes – PAUL: Uh uh, yeah yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh.  Wheeeeeeeew! Yo, hey YO! Check that girl down over there bro. Yo! I call dibbs on that one g.
  27. Mad Mike – MICHAEL: I was in my Mercedes checking out the ladies, along came a girl who said she was crazy, I opened my door to let her in, I said, “Yo baby, wanna go for a spin?”
  28. The Return of Chewbacca – JOE: Bro, bro, bro, listen, listen…that girl at the gym, the one I just took out…Marla. Bro, she has a sick body. SICK! But here’s the problem…she has hairy nipples.
  29. Saggy Back – REYNOLD: OOOOOOOOOOW! Gaaaa! That fucking HURT! What are you doing?? Well come on and get it. Just get it…pop it real quick!
  30. A Moment Of Shartness – MELVIN:Yo, you step in shit? Come on man, what is that? Smells like toothpase and shit or something. Weird.
  31. Bird In My Ass – FREDERICK: A bird flew in my ass today.  Yeah.  I was sitting down in Central Park, just relaxing and reading the newspaper.  I felt fine.
  32. Pink Balls – JEFFREY: Yeah so, I had to leave for work and I was looking for a fresh pair of socks cause I just got back home from playing some B-ball and I was out of socks.
  33. Losing My Virginity – ZACHARIAH:I woke up next to a fat bitch this morning dog.  I lost my virginity to a three hundred and fifty pound whale.  This girl, I don’t know
  34. Serious Breath – JAMES: Yo Freddy, what’s up man?  How did it go?  It could have went better man.  Seriously.  It was just…aw man!  The girl had shit breath dude!!
  35. Piss Power – DEEPAK: Every week they come, they drive by in their little spic mobiles, zipping by me throwing balloons at me…full of piss.  Dis’ true.
  36. Crash Cab – AHMED: Hellooooooo and Welcome To Crash Cab.  Would you like to play???  I ask you three questions and if you get them wrong, I drive off a bridge.  Are you ready?  Are you ready to live or die?
  37. Celebrity THIN Club – PRODUCER: Listen, call up Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Nicole Richie and at least a dozen more skinny girls.
  38. What’s My Name? – JAMES: Just talk to them for me, please. That’s all I ask. Next time we go over your parents place, I hope they call me James, not Justin or Jesse or freaking Jed or Jack. Okay??? James, that’s my name.
  39. 3 Secret Ingredients – THE PLAYER: Every girl I’ve ever met wants the same thing. They want the three ingredients. Do you know what the three secret ingredients are???
  40. Protein – MARTIN: I haven’t seen my cousin in like ten years.  So you can imagine how excited we both were to see one another.  We’ve always been tight.  Like brothers, well, we are brothers.
  41. Can I Use Your Toilet? – ERNIE:  Excuse me, hi, hi, do you mind if I use your restroom?  No?  Only paying customers. Listen,  I’m sorry, can I speak to you privately over here for a quick second?  I don’t want to…I don’t want to SHOUT. (he looks around nervously)   Can you just…thanks…look man, I need to shit my brains out right now.  Please.  I’ll buy dinner, anything, whatever, just let me use your toilet.
  42. Butt Lotion – REAGON: Hi Doc, here’s what happened.  I woke up yesterday morning with this huge sweat pimple on my ass.  I noticed it in the shower.  The worst.  The whole day, whenever I sat down, I had to rest my body on one butt cheek.
  43. Hippo and the Dude – FRANKY:  Man, I saw this guy get chomped by a fucking hippo dude.  Man, this guy was getting eaten alive man.  No, I wasn’t there dog, I saw it on t.v.  It was on the Discovery Channel bro.
  44. Geeks Have Great Sex – RAY:  Every morning I have to hear bang bang, bang bang.  They are like two animals next door.  And they go on for hours.  Where do they find the strength?
  45. Welcome To The Club – CHARLIE:  My son is growing up quicker than I ever could have anticipated.  Just the other day, I was doing some yard work…planting all kinds of new shrubs and flowers I bought over at Home Depot.  You know, for the wifey…make her happy.
  46. Be Merry – FIZZ:  Greg, you don’t need to get yourself overwhelmed.  It doesn’t apply to you.  I know you’re…look, I know sometimes things get a bit hard to handle and that’s normal.  I get overwhelmed too sometimes but I walk myself to the side and meditate…that’s it.
  47. White Light – HAROLD:  (to himself)  …She’s joking…impossible.  Linda?  Lin—WILL YOU SHUT THAT MUSIC UP?!  God almighty, I feel like the angels are going to invade my living room and take me hostage!
  48. Dead or Alive – RAY RAY:  Look at this son of a bitch right here…I can’t believe it, you scumbag, you died.  I was told three years ago you died!  I can’t believe it…all this time, all this time I’ve been sulking for you…you absolute piece of shit!
  49. Parrot Calls – AARON:  Will you shut your peacock up? Or whatever that bird is…fine, a parrot!!  (doing a mocking shuffle)  It’s a parrot!  Yipaty yay.  Every single time I try to make a business call, your parrot deliberately mocks me to interrupt my call.  (beat)  No, no, do not say it’s impossible because I’ve tested out my theory and it’s been proven correct.
  50. The Leaping Cat – ALEX:  Listen, I’m not freaking crazy alright!  Her cat is evil.  First night I spend by Jen’s apartment, the cat jumped on my chest and sprung off, while I was in a dead sleep.
Monologue Blogger Newsletter
* indicates required