42 Comic Monologues for Women

Let’s roll up our sleeves ladies and get funny. =)  If one of these comedy monologues makes you laugh, then it was all worth it.

  1. Actress Photoshoot – CATRINA:  There you go!  There you go!  You’re like a venom snake!  You are a venom snake, ready to sink your fangs into flesh.  That’s right!  Yes!  Yes!
  2. Little Critters – SARAH: Oh!!! Oh!!!! Oh God! Shit…
  3. Just For Laughs – JANE: Ha, ha, ha, ha.  That is a good one Fran.  Ha, ha, ha.  I have to try that sometime.  Ha, ha, ha.  Clever.  Very clever, I love it!
  4. Rather Be A Man – KIM: I don’t know what it is with me lately but I just get so UGH! when guys come up to me, with their cheesy lines, (imitating guy) “Hey, you have such a beautiful smile” or “Can I just tell you that you are so beautiful”.  Ugh!
  5. Fungus Among Us – ALEXA: Just once I would like to see you clean out the refrigerator Mara. Unbelievable! You think you would have some freaking decency. Why do I always have to do it?!
  6. Color & Style – ZIGGY: I told the bitch I wanted it to look EXACTLY like Kate Hudson. I wanted the sweeping blonde highlights added within a soft golden base. A real natural look!
  7. Phone Calls – MEAGAN: Why do these guys have to play these stupid asinine games?  Why do they have to have a dumb three day rule?
  8. Next In Line – LUCILLE: Next in line! What is that?  You’re actually going to buy that?  HAHAHAHA  Hey, whatever floats your boat lady.
  9. Cider, Baby – SOPHIE:  OHHH, yes, they got the good kind here!   Crispy and tasty.  Mmm, Mmm, Mmm. Do you know what? I’m addicted to this stuff, I am head over heals addicted to APPLE CIDER.
  10. Who’s Harry? – ROSALIE:  The other day I was having a tickle fest with my two year old son.  I was just eating him up with love and tickling him up a storm and we were having the best time together.
  11. Fog World – SABRINA: What are you, deaf?  God gave you good hearing, why must you blast your music into your ear drum so loud?  I am ten feet away from you and it sounds like I’m in a club.
  12. Proud Mom – SHANNON: That’s right Tobey, HIT HIM!  Hit Him!  Hit HIM!  Kick, kick, kick, YEAH, kick, kick, kick, YEAH, YEAH!  Good, good, good, YEAH, YEAH, YEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
  13. Flycatcher – ANNA: Check this out.  I’m on my way to go meet Dave for lunch today and while I’m walking to the restaurant, I feel something fly in my mouth.  Hit me directly in the back of my throat.
  14. Nose Hairs – DANICA: I was just talking to Groundhog Day.  The guy had nose hairs as long as my fingernails.  I mean really, what chance in hell did he have in picking me up?
  15. Wing Girl – JANICE: Dara, listen to me…I gotta get laid.  I am horny as shit.  Listen, we NEED to go out this Saturday, I gotta find a man soon before I burst into flames.
  16. Just One Thing – JACKIE: I love him.  I love him dearly but it’s, it’s just one thing, if I could change it, I would change it about him.  Please, don’t repeat this to anyone but…he farts too much.
  17. Mercy Look – CONNIE: Do you like my green fluffy pajama pants? I just bought them from Victoria’s Secret!  God, I absolutely LOVE them.  They are so soft and comfy and ooooooh, I just love them.
  18. The Girls – DANA:  When you sent me those pictures,  HOLY SHIT, he is JUUUUUUUICY.  Does he look like that in person?  Does he?  Does he?  HE DOES?!   Wow, that’s incredible, I gotta get me a swede.
  19. Underwhelm – WILMA:  I’m underwhelmed.  Nothing impresses me or excites me.  I am amazed by nothing.  I am numb to this world and everything in it.  I go through life with one face that doesn’t move.
  20. Razor Blades – KELLY: Sharon, Sharon….Can I ask you something??? No, really, I’m a little worried about something. You got a second?
  21. Stretch – INSTRUCTOR:  Do you feel it? Okay, now breeeeeeaaaaaaaatttthhheee. Good, good and back again..hold it..annnnnnnnd brrrrreeeeeeaaaaatttthhhhheeee.
  22. Snot Rags – ELAINE: Do me a favor, alright? I know your sick as a dog but can you please, PLEASE not leave your snot rags all over the damn place. On the kitchen table!
  23. Crappy Pants – ELISE: Anna, you will never believe what happened to me yesterday.  Oh my God, I was on a date with Fred, YEAH, the guy I told you about.
  24. Eating Like A Slob – EMILY:  Absolute animal when he eats.  I have never seen a man with such a disgusting appetite.  And I have no idea where he puts it.
  25. Boost – LANA: Michael was staring at me in fifth period English.  He keeps smiling at me and then in seventh period gym, we were by the ropes and when it was my turn to climb the rope, he came behind me and gave me a BOOST!
  26. Fried Balls From A Laptop – JACKIE:  I met this guy who couldn’t have kids because his laptop fried the sperm count in his balls.  This guy was a writer of sorts.  Some kind of a journalist.
  27. Tender Mercies – HANNAH:  TENDER MERCIES!  He grabbed me and said that I was the woman of his dreams.  He kissed me on my mouth and then made a grab at my tender mercies!
  28. Tis Pity He’s A Brother – Miss Lorelli:  Pass me my shoes, would you darling? What is wrong with you lately? You are moving too slow for my liking, if Papa falls witness to this, he would think you ill!
  29. Flicker – WILLA: What was that?  No, really, what was that exactly that I just saw you do?  Did you…did you just flick something from your finger, Greg?
  30. Crazy Glue – LINDA: Alison, oh God, it’s me, it’s Linda, I, I, I, I glued my…I glued my hand to my cheek!  I’m walking around the house trying every kind of product and I can’t get it off.
  31. So Cute! – MIMI: Oh My God! Do you think he likes me? (shrieks)  He is sooooo cute. So cute! I can’t believe he came over and started talking to me. Oh my God, do I look okay?
  32. Ready, Aim, AIM – ROSE: Can I just ask you something? No really…can I? Now, I’m not trying to argue with you okay? I’m not trying to fight but…when you go to take a leak in the toilet bowl, do you miss on purpose??
  33. Gangster Grandma – GG: Honey, can ya pass Grandma the salt…thanks honey…
  34. First Kiss At Camp – LINDA: First time I ever kissed a boy was at summer camp.  I was in a row boat competition.  It was a “who can row the fastest” competition and this kid Josh and I came in first place together.
  35. Dark Chocolate – ZENA: I FEEL SO GOOD, THIS IS MY NEW LIFE!  You think I’m kidding? It’s all about the iron, baby.
  36. Big Brett – AMY:  Want to know what I absolutely despise?  Overprotective men!  God, they are the worst.
  37. Mirror Mirror On The Wall – JAN: Look at it girl, look–at–it. Damn! My ass is so fat I just can’t take it, Kelly. (sticks her ass out at her friend Kelly) Look at that, look at that ass! It’s grown!
  38. The Whole Package – ANDA: Okay so, I’m changing my sexual preference.  Yep.  That’s it.  I’ve had it with men!  I am going for women.
  39. Pinch – DEMETRIA: “Baby”, he says to me, “I’m in pain.”  And I was like, what’s wrong baby…what do you mean, pain?  What kind of pain?
  40. Not In Front Of The Buddha – EMILY:  What?!  I’m trying to make a point to you and you tell me “not in front of the Buddha?”  Are you kidding me right now?
  41. Now You See It, Now You Don’t – RENE:  Sometimes I want to stare someone in the face and go poopy in my pants.  I want to stare like stone and watch their facial expressions to my rudeness.
  42. Thank You So Much – HELEN: Thank you…thank you so much.  No, no, really…thank you.  I thank you so much for what you have done.  You are the best.  You are stupendous.  You are the greatest ever.  Thank you.
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