80 Monologues That Will Make You Unstoppable

MB shares 80 monologues for men and women broken down in packs of twenty for comedy and drama pieces.  Monologues That Will Make The Audience Cry are a few darker pieces.

20 Dramatic Monologues for Men

  1. Dark Place – JEFFREY: Does it matter to you that I am going mad?  Not sure I can go away and reflect on it.  Not sure I can get through my own madness.
  2. Straight To The Nitty Gritty – NED: You see, I don’t ask questions, lad. Questions, bore me. I only ask one question but I don’t ask the question until I know for certain that you’re ready.
  3. Army of Men – J: There’s an abnormal side to me…something I’ve always been aware of since I was a child.  Something deeply disturbing…when it comes to loving someone.
  4. Henry and The Wizard – HENRY:  You keep on tryna dig through layers of who I am and all you’re reaching now is pure one-hundred percent bone.  There ain’t nothin’ left of me, Ellen.
  5. Any Given Day – HARRY:  You have this tendency to talk down at people, in order to make yourself the be all end all expert at something.
  6. Do It – S: You have a dream?  Then why are you just sitting there scratching yourself all day?  You want to be something?  It’s not going to happen on its own and by itself.
  7. Frame of Mind – MITCH: It’s a certain view; the way one thinks…that’s really it.  (pause.)  It’s the difference between a dumb man and a wise man.  You follow?  No?  Well, that’s okay.
  8. Spring Chicken – C: You need to take it easy.  Running around too much, worrying about everybody else all the time, instead of yourself, is not good.
  9. Since Back In Auborn – GEORGE:  Only way anybody gonna know ’bout life on the ranch is if you actually live it. That’s the truth.
  10. Dusting Off The Demons – L: You’ve spent too much time boozing and popping pills during your lifetime. Your focus on anything always gets derailed and causes you to take years to get any one project completed.
  11. The World Will Be On Your Side – CALVIN: What is the truth?  The truth is always in you.  It’s inside of you.  It’s not what he said or she said, it’s about what you say about yourself.
  12. Ferrara – FREDDY FERRARA: Hey Richie, it’s Freddy, your brother, ah, I know you probably heard by now what happened last night at the club but I just wanna let you know, don’t worry, everything’s okay.
  13. Best Interest – MG:  How can I explain this to you?  You have good intellect, you certainly are not stupid.  You go on like you are much smarter than you actually are and that right there is the issue.
  14. Agreed – GEORGIO:  You think I’m crazy?  (beat) I get it, I get it.  Maybe I am a little off in the head…enough to get things done and actually believe I can make it.
  15. Variety of Selection – CHESLAV: Are you willing to pay the highest price?  (beat) My girls, they come from all over the world.  They come from France, Turkey, Australia, Brazil, China, Fiji, America…all over.
  16. Where’s My Lasagna? – VITO: Listen to me Paul, if he’s the kind of guy that will continue harassing you after you’ve already squared things away with him then let me know and I will take care of it.
  17. Sometimes – ALEC: I should be a nicer person, I should be, I wish I can be, I try but it just never works out the way I imagine when I imagine myself being nice to my workers.
  18. Not Another Word – DAVIS:  If we allow this man to go any further, he will surely come after our business…he will destroy everything.  I’m beginning to feel his breeze enter our room.
  19. Challenged – GREGORY:  There’s a haunting I feel, in my core that circulates around the idea of not living up to my full potential…
  20. Think About Tomorrow – MARK: What do you think, because I’m well groomed I can’t fight? Because I dress classy and behave well mannered, I have no balls?

20 Dramatic Monologues for Women

  1. Second Look – CHER:  It hasn’t happened for quite some time.  I was thinking about this all day and it must have been years since I’ve ever felt that feeling…you know?
  2. White Tail Spider – WS: You like watching the scifi channel?  Well, I LOVE watching the scifi channel.  In fact, my preferred nickname is the white tail;
  3. Silent Treatment – M/F: What’s wrong?  …What happened?  Why you in such a mood?  You can’t talk to me?  Is it something I did?
  4. Addicted – MAN/WOMAN:  You’re so addicted to me, aren’t you? You can’t stop yourself from coming to see me, can you?
  5. ResidueJENNIFER..I don’t feel like being funny…[scratches her neck] I don’t. DON’T! Don’t touch me right now—I’m sorry—I need my space;
  6. If My Inner Thoughts Could SpeakJALINE: If my inner thoughts could speak about you, here’s what I’d say…You were wrong about me.  You’ve strengthened me.  You fuel my passions, my fire, my energy.
  7. I Can’t Win – NELLA: I’m tired of him!  Who the hell does he think he is to insult me that way?  I cannot believe it Jeff.  I am the adult.
  8. Say It – TIANNA:  Say it…go on…say it.  Even though you didn’t say it, I still heard it.  I felt it reach the tip of your tongue but you thought better of it…didn’t you?
  9. Smile Pretty, Alice – ANITA: Smile pretty, Alice.  We both know one thing…the truth.  We both know what you’ve done.  We both know.
  10. Fix The Car – DENISE: I’m dry.  I got nothing.  You keep borrowing money, Frank…you take and take and take and what do I have left?  Huh?
  11. Form of Clarity – AUDREY:  How have you been? (she briefly touches her lips with a finger) What’s wrong?
  12. The Bear – ANYONE:  I want to care less about caring so much…I think that’s been my biggest—well, one of my problems, anyway…
  13. Elsewhere – VICTORIA: You speak so very well of Mr. Tandum and yet, he is viewed as quite a radical amongst closed circles.  He appears to be a bit, eccentric.  Do you not agree, Florence?
  14. OneM/F: Today, I slowly, gently, removed one of my angel wings…to offer it up to you…
  15. Itch – WILLA: I’m not gonna say shit.  Do what you need to do, I’ll stay out of it.  I’m not gonna say shit.
  16. Forgotten – SAMANTHA: It’s always about you, you know. I just–(sighs) why does the world have to revolve around YOU?
  17. The Way I Know MeSHANDA: Can I talk to you about something?  (beat)  I’m not that great.  There are many people who have wonderful things to say about me but I’m not so sure I believe any of it to be true.
  18. Angel Prayers – MILANI:  Angels…where’s my angel?  They say it’s my mother’s brother but he must be crazy to look out for me…
  19. Fantastic Day With My Precious Son – MISCHA:  Mom, please, I had the day of days…Robbie drove me crazy all day and didn’t stop acting up until I finally got him to sleep.
  20. All Of A Sudden – VICKY:  It’s always gotta reach a peak with you before you get it, before you understand anything I say.  Why is that?

20 Comedic Monologues for Men

  1. Side Effects – DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER: Diarrhea.  Cotton Mouth.  Hunger.  Watery Eyes.  Anal Swelling.  Nostril Flaring.  Sneezing. Constant Coughing.  Constant Farting.  Constant Belching.
  2. Upon My Return – SIR WALTER WALTER THE THIRD: It is TIME, my Lord.  What shall I do with the others?  Shall I slay them?  Much obliged.  My Lord, may I ask you something?
  3. YO – KIRBY: Yo?  What?  Yo?!  Did you just YO me?  You just yo’d me?  Do I look like a YO to you?  I have a name?  What’s my name?  Say my name.  Huh?  That’s right, Kiiiiirby.  That is my name.  KIRBY.
  4. Picasso Reincarnated – ULTIMATE JACKASS: I was walking around for two days thinking I was Picasso, when really what I was, was a major jackass.  I went to this store out in Long Island, Michael’s and I spent a couple of hundred bucks on supplies.
  5. There He Is – PETE:  My co-worker is the most annoying guy in the world.  I wish to God I wasn’t so nice to him when I first started working at my new job.  I should have wondered why he was so overly nice at the start.
  6. All Day Long – SAUL:  Hey babe, do me a favor…stuff my balls in my ass and let me borrow one of your skirts. Please.  At this point, I might as well grow a pair of tits and shave my beard, too.
  7. Nutter – POP:  We need to talk.  Listen…our daughter is dating an absolute nutter.  Shhh, shhhh, come here.  Earlier this morning, before him and I left the house together to go fishing, he was outside smoking a fag and do you know what he was doing?
  8. The Crop Duster – BUSTER WHO GOT CROP DUSTED:  I never in my life had someone fart point blank in my face, until yesterday.  I’m in a used bookstore, kneeling down on one knee, reaching for some books, when in comes the old man, like seventy-eight, streaming down the aisle in stealth mode.
  9. Medium – DEREK:  I’m a medium.  Why do you keep asking me if I’m a small?  Do I look like a hobbit to you?  I have wide shoulders. (standing up from his seat) Look.  Look at me.  See how my shoulders are wide and then as you go down it starts to V, that’s because I have wide shoulders, alright?
  10. Pet Project – BOGART(to himself)  I can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe I have to deal with this moron for an owner.
  11. Young Guy, Gettin’ High – JUSTIN: (singing to himself in a full length mirror)  I feel like freaking out, CAUSE I’M STOOOOONNNNNED!!!
  12. The Shoulder Test – AURY: You wanna know how to tell if a woman is going to be fat later in life?
  13. I Love Farting – WALT: I love farting. I do. You know, some people like to go fishing, others like to go sky diving, but not me, I find great joy and pleasure in releasing my passageway. I really do.
  14. Public High – DERRICK: I should be alright.  I feel alright, you know?  Yeah, let’s do this, I’m ready for this shit man.  I’ll be fine.
  15. Sack and Crack – BRUCE: Bro, bro listen, listen, lis…can you talk?  Are you alone?  Okay, listen, I gotta problem.  I gotta serious, SEROUS fucking problem right now.
  16. Soap and Water – SPENCE: You’re ready to go out tonight, man?  Yeah?  Okay then, do me a favor; would you mind scratching off the dried up boogie you have hanging off the side of your nose, please?
  17. Get Pumped – DOUG: Jeff, listen to me—don’t get insulted alright…but you never did this before and you have to start out slow.
  18. A Brilliant High – WAYZE: Yo, so I had like this brilliant high today man. Aaaa Aaaaa Aaaaa. It was sweet yo! Aaaa Aaaaa. So like I was just chilling out right, right and like I started getting stoned right, right?
  19. Howta Be A Gangsta – VIC: Hello and WELCOME to “HOWTA BE A GANGSTA”…I’m your host VIC BOOMBATS! (pronounced BOOM-BAATS)
  20. Howta Be A Gangsta – part 2 – VIC: (to camera)  Hello everybody and welcome to “VIC’S SHOW – HOWTA BE A GANGSTA”, I’m your host VIC!

20 Comedic Monologues for Women

  1. Actress Photoshoot – CATRINA:  There you go!  There you go!  You’re like a venom snake!  You are a venom snake, ready to sink your fangs into flesh.  That’s right!  Yes!  Yes!
  2. Little Critters – SARAH: Oh!!! Oh!!!! Oh God! Shit…
  3. Just For Laughs – JANE: Ha, ha, ha, ha.  That is a good one Fran.  Ha, ha, ha.  I have to try that sometime.  Ha, ha, ha.  Clever.  Very clever, I love it!
  4. Rather Be A Man – KIM: I don’t know what it is with me lately but I just get so UGH! when guys come up to me, with their cheesy lines, (imitating guy) “Hey, you have such a beautiful smile” or “Can I just tell you that you are so beautiful”.  Ugh!
  5. Fungus Among Us – ALEXA: Just once I would like to see you clean out the refrigerator Mara. Unbelievable! You think you would have some freaking decency. Why do I always have to do it?!
  6. Color & Style – ZIGGY: I told the bitch I wanted it to look EXACTLY like Kate Hudson. I wanted the sweeping blonde highlights added within a soft golden base. A real natural look!
  7. Phone Calls – MEAGAN: Why do these guys have to play these stupid asinine games?  Why do they have to have a dumb three day rule?
  8. Next In Line – LUCILLE: Next in line! What is that?  You’re actually going to buy that?  HAHAHAHA  Hey, whatever floats your boat lady.
  9. Cider, Baby – SOPHIE:  OHHH, yes, they got the good kind here!   Crispy and tasty.  Mmm, Mmm, Mmm. Do you know what? I’m addicted to this stuff, I am head over heals addicted to APPLE CIDER.
  10. Who’s Harry? – ROSALIE:  The other day I was having a tickle fest with my two year old son.  I was just eating him up with love and tickling him up a storm and we were having the best time together.
  11. Fog World – SABRINA: What are you, deaf?  God gave you good hearing, why must you blast your music into your ear drum so loud?  I am ten feet away from you and it sounds like I’m in a club.
  12. Proud Mom – SHANNON: That’s right Tobey, HIT HIM!  Hit Him!  Hit HIM!  Kick, kick, kick, YEAH, kick, kick, kick, YEAH, YEAH!  Good, good, good, YEAH, YEAH, YEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
  13. Flycatcher – ANNA: Check this out.  I’m on my way to go meet Dave for lunch today and while I’m walking to the restaurant, I feel something fly in my mouth.  Hit me directly in the back of my throat.
  14. Nose Hairs – DANICA: I was just talking to Groundhog Day.  The guy had nose hairs as long as my fingernails.  I mean really, what chance in hell did he have in picking me up?
  15. Wing Girl – JANICE: Dara, listen to me…I gotta get laid.  I am horny as shit.  Listen, we NEED to go out this Saturday, I gotta find a man soon before I burst into flames.
  16. Just One Thing – JACKIE: I love him.  I love him dearly but it’s, it’s just one thing, if I could change it, I would change it about him.  Please, don’t repeat this to anyone but…he farts too much.
  17. Mercy Look – CONNIE: Do you like my green fluffy pajama pants? I just bought them from Victoria’s Secret!  God, I absolutely LOVE them.  They are so soft and comfy and ooooooh, I just love them.
  18. The Girls – DANA:  When you sent me those pictures,  HOLY SHIT, he is JUUUUUUUICY.  Does he look like that in person?  Does he?  Does he?  HE DOES?!   Wow, that’s incredible, I gotta get me a swede.
  19. Underwhelm – WILMA:  I’m underwhelmed.  Nothing impresses me or excites me.  I am amazed by nothing.  I am numb to this world and everything in it.  I go through life with one face that doesn’t move.
  20. Razor Blades – KELLY: Sharon, Sharon….Can I ask you something??? No, really, I’m a little worried about something. You got a second?
Monologue Blogger Newsletter
* indicates required