Can You Take Me?

An unkept man wearing a flamboyant robe.

HARLEY:  Oh yeah, another day to fart around and fart, fart, fart.  (he yawns loud and obnoxiously)  FART, fart and little motor boat baby farts, too…Yep, just gonna pace my apartment, scratch my beard, yawn, burp, fart, watch internet videos, take a dump, rub one out, maybe rub two out…eat cereal, order pizza or chinese….ahhh, what a day, what a life…yep, yep, yep…poopy doopy scoopy doo…

(looks at audience)

Holy shit…I’m bored to death.  I mean, what is there to do?  Why do we all make up shit to do?  What if we didn’t do that?  Would we end up like me? Wait a minute, am I the douchebag in this scene?  Hey, where’s the writer? Who’s the writer in this dump?  Who’s Joseph?  Who’s that Joseph guy I’m hearing in my head??

(beat – to Joseph)

Joseph, why did you make me look like Will Ferrell?  (beat)  And why am I wearing a Grandma robe?

Who am I and why am I here?!  This is bullshit!  I only get to exist for a monologue?  I want out of this shithole!  At least put me somewhere nice! If I’m going to be here at all, just…put me somewhere, nice…please.

(man sits down)

This is so strange.  You never had a character talk to you personally before, eh?  I just heard you think that?  So, wait a minute, wait a minute!  I’m more real than you imagine.  If I can hear you, well, then, then…

(Harley grabs a notebook and pencil)

Ha!  Now I will write YOUR MONOLOGUE. See how you like it…

“Joseph is sitting at his black desk writing…”

Wait, hold on, I never did this before…hold on.  That’s more like a novel, not a monologue…here.

Joseph says!

“I feel so sorry for Harley…I’m going to give him some lady friends and a cold case of beer!!!”

How do you like that?  Where’s my lady friends and cold beer?  (beat)  Why aren’t they here?


Why is everything black all around me, like I’m on some black box theatre stage?  Is that how you see me?  It’s not fair.  I want to…I want to come into your world and experience what it’s like…can I?  Just once?  What is it like?  Can you take me?

Joseph Arnone


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