“SIDE EFFECTS” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy ERIX

Monologue Description: “SIDE EFFECTS” is a comedy of the ridiculous side effects that some prescription drugs can cause in people.

Character Description: In this monologue, DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER is a German Doctor who has flown overseas to warn Americans of a new approaching epidemic.  Dr. Knickerbocker and his team of scientific laboratory geniuses have discovered the “cure” to save mankind against this killer side effects that a particular prescription drug is used for.   He wears a white “Doctor’s Coat” and carries a clipboard.  He wears glasses and has buck teeth.  He speaks with a terrible German American accent with emphasis on words that aren’t necessary to punctuate.  

He stands in front of a podium in front of news cameras as he delivers his historical speech to save the world.

DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER:

Diarrhea.  Cotton Mouth.  Hunger.  Watery Eyes.  Anal Swelling.  Nostril Flaring.  Sneezing. Constant Coughing.  Constant Farting.  Constant Belching.  Anything Constant.  Vision Loss. Paralysis. Weight Gain, Weight Loss.  Shaking. Eye Crossing.  Nose Bleeding.  Ear Bleeding. Anal Bleeding.  Anything Bleeding.  Vomiting. Impaired Speech. Exhaustion.  Headaches.  Chest Pains. Rapid Balding.  Deafness. Foot Scratching.  Back Scratching.  Butt Scratching.  Anything Scratching.  Finger Smelling.  Sweaty Arm Pits. Bad Breath. Mouth Sores.  Extreme Fits Of Intelligence, not good, ’tis trickery.  Jelly Toes. Wait, what is Jelly Toes?  (beat) Errr, Random Bumps.  Random Bruises.  Random Randomness. Anything Random.   AND……DEATH!

As A Side Note:

If you begin staring into the thin air for long periods of time for no apparent reason whatsoever, you have one hour to live and MUST IMMEDIATELY consult with your family doctor!

If you begin crapping BLACK, BLUE or RED, you have one hour to live and MUST IMMEDIATELY consult with your family doctor!

If you have been taking the talked about prescription and feel ANY of the above, you are suffering from (says extremely fast) MAKETHEDOCTORFROMGERMANYLOTSOFMONEY SYNDROME!  YOU MUST STOP TAKING THE PRESCRIPTION IMMEDIATELY!!!

I and I alone, with my team of ASTUTE PROFESSIONALS, have discovered the cure to make the side effects from the drug go into retraction.  By taking what will become known as the miracle pill, you WILL BE CURED!  

(persuasively)

Just dial 1-800-YOU WILL BE CURED to receive your yearly supply in order to stay alive AND fix the original problem you had in the first place. BRAVO!

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?!

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“WHITE LAUNDRY BAG” (drama) 1-2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy THE MALE (Set)

Monologue Description: “WHITE LAUNDRY BAG” is about coping with guilt.

Character Description: In this monologue, Benedetto discusses the first experience he had killing someone with a Priest. This conversation takes place in a chruch with no one else around. Benedetto is a gangster who is beginning to lose his mind from the guilt and regret of the wrongful actions he has taken during his life. This is the first time he has ever discussed what he has been feeling.

BENEDETTO:

I walked in front. About twenty feet ahead but his cries, his cries were as loud as if his lips were touching my ears. Begging! Pleading! Forced sounds coming out from his voice…my men, three of ‘em, dragged him along…

(beat)

I made them put a white laundry bag over his face. I turned around and fired one round into his face as fast as I could. He fell back. Blood began seeping through the laundry bag and you could hear the faintness of whatever cry he had left in him. I walked over and stood above him and fired a second round into his face. He was dead after that.

I looked at my guys and said, “Hurry up and bury him, I’m starving.” And I swiftly walked back to my car. I looked back to see my men burying him…I vomited behind a nearby tree as silently as I could.

(pause)

I spend ninety-five percent of my day being someone I’m not. It’s the life I’ve been born into, Father. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t get images of what that man’s face must have looked like inside that laundry bag. I still see his face…

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MONOLOGUE TITLES beginning with H - MonologueBlogger.com

Photo Courtesy LEO REYNOLDS

HAIRY BASTARD (comedy) 1 Minute
HAIR FUSS (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HAIRY THE PLUCKED CHICKEN (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes
HAND WE WERE DEALT (drama) 1 Minute
HAND JAM (drama) 1 Minute
HANKY (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HARD ON ME (drama) 2 Minutes
HATE FOR MONEY (drama) 2 Minutes
HATRED AND ENVY (drama) 1 Minute
HEAD TILT (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HEATING PAD (comedy) Under 1 Minute
HERE IN HAPPY LAND (drama) 2 Minutes
HE’S GAY (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes
HE’S NO CARY GRANT (comedy) 2 Minutes
HE WON’T HIT ME, WILL HE? (drama) 1 Minute
HEY, PAL (drama) 1 Minute
HEY SEXY LADY (seri-comedy) Under 1 Minute
HIDING OUT (serio-comedy) 3 Minutes
HIGH AND MIGHTY (drama) 1 Minute
HIGHER THAN A KITE (drama) 2 Minutes
HIPPO AND THE DUDE (comedy) 2 Minutes
HIS STORY (drama) 1-2 Minutes
HOMELESS RANTING (drama) 2 Minutes
HONEST AND TRUE (drama) 1 Minute
HOOK UP ARTIST (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HOT NOSE PICKER (comedy) 2 Minutes
HOT BODY, BUTTER FACE (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HOW AM I? (comedy) 1 Minute
HOWTA BE A GANGSTA (comedy) 1 Minute
HOW’S FLUFFY? (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HOW’S IT HANGING, JOE? (comedy) 1 Minute

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