“The Scrambled Idiot” – episode 2

Photo Courtesy Turtle Mom 4 Bacon

The Scrambled Idiot:  You ever shit in the dark?  I have.  No, really, I have.  The lights in my apartment have been turned off and I’ve been too damn lazy to get one of those battery powered lights.  Instead I dug up some old candles and rested one of them on the sink.  When I leaned over to wipe my ass, my Goddamn shoulder caught fire and the next thing I know I am flipping and waving around on the toilet bowl like an asshole.  I could have sworn my cat Henrietta laughed outloud for a second while I was in my death throws.  Finally I flew off the bowl and dove into Henrietta’s cat litter box to put out the flames.  Crashed my head right into the tub and knocked myself out for God knows how long.  Woke up smelling of cat shit and my forehead had a bump on it the size of an orange.  (sighs)  Eh, at least I didn’t die from fire but the next morning when I woke up and there was enough light in my bathroom from the sun, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had no fucking left eye brow.  I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me, DUDE?!”  And then Henri did laugh at me and I chased her down the stairs.  (pause.)  I refuse to go outside.  I look like a complete idiot.  I had my girl come over to bring me that mascara or whatever it’s called, not mascara, that other stuff women use, the uh, the eye liner stuff.  YEAH!  We tried to pencil in what could pass for an eye brow but instead I looked like some confused half assed Drag Queen.  (beat)  I guess I gotta let that shit grow back.  What can I do man?

“Watch Me Spin” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy Lint Machine

LENNY: You know who I am?  Yeah, baby, YEAH!!!  Watch me spin.  (he spins like a ballerina) Eh? How do you like that darling?  Fifty bucks all it cost you to give you a dancy dance.  Eh?  You want it?  What?  HEY, where you going?  Wait!  Wait!  Watch this!  (he jumps and spins)  See that?  (beat)  Ahhhh, useless. (waves his hand in disgust)  Women.  They don’t know a sexy man when they see one.  Should have charged her for my sample.  No more free samples.  That’s for sure.  (he sees another woman walking by)  Oh wait!

Hey there darlin’?  You ever see John Voight in Midnight Cowboy?  Well, I’M THE REAL THING.  HEY, where you go—I’ll give you a free sample, free sample, WATCH WATCH!!  (he jumps and spins and falls but gets up quickly limping)  You didn’t…you didn’t see me…Ahh, forget you all. 

(to himself)  Would have charged her twenty-five, maybe thirty for my dance. (beat) Heck.

“The Scrambled Idiot” – episode 1

The Scrambled Idiot:  Yeah, so, I ah, I uh, stuck ah, a q-tip up my cat’s ass last night.  Yeah.  She was in “heat” and rubbing her ass on the floor and leaving cream slides all over the place and purring, (imitating)  “meoaaaarrrr  meoaaaarrr”, throughout the night.  I couldn’t fucking take it anymore and I jumped out from bed, ran upstairs, grabbed the q-tip box, grabbed the cat, took the q-tip and I’m feeling around scared shit with my eyes closed…then, I swear to God, I felt the q-tip go in something and I thought it was the you know what but it wasn’t, my cat suddenly stood erect and started walking real slow and I realized that the q-tip was stuck in her asshole.  So now she begins trotting around and I’m like, “No, no, no” and she starts running across my apartment and I’m hunched over like a hunchback chasing her full speed praying outloud saying, “DON’T SIT, DON’T SIT!!!”  Luckily, I cornered her and pet her gently and slowly pulled the q-tip out from my cat’s ass.  That was round one.   No where in cyberspace does anyone prepare you for an anal q-tip chase.  At least, no articles I came across for this “orgasmic procedure”. 

I asked myself, do I flip the q-tip and go with the clean side or do I go and get a whole new fucking q-tip.  I decided to get nasty and flip the q-tip for its clean side.  I knew this was the right decision because I felt a certain “madness” come over me, in order to attempt the deed again with all my manliness, if one can call it such.

(beat)

Dear Lord…

(beat)

So, round two.  This time I don’t close my eyes and try my best to face this…so I start feeling around and it was getting old REAL fast and suddenly I must have grazed her spot cause she got excited and then it dawned on me to stay still with the q-tip and let her feel around on me, which she did and sure enough she started making this really high pitched sound…a (imitates)  “REEEEEEEERRRR  REEEEEEERRR” and I was like, “Oh God, GO GO GO!!!”  and she let out this victory howl (imitates)  “RRAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”   bolted away and started flipping around on the floor like a 1980’s break dancer.  I stared back and forth between her bliss and the fowl q-tip I held with my fingers.  I had the shakes…I freaked myself out…I stuck a q-tip up my cat’s—wow!  I should have done a shot of Jameson to get over that one.  I’m okay now but the thought still haunts me from time to time.  Not so sure I would recommend it.  Go with the neuter.

(does Brando)  The horror…the horror…

(beat)  Let me ask you…would you sniff the q-tip???

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