“The Scrambled Idiot” – episode 3

March 16, 2010 by The Monologue Blogger

Filed under 2 Minute Monologues, 3 Minute Monologues, MB Library, Male Monologues - Comedy, The Scrambled Idiot Series

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Photo Courtesy Christian Metzler
It works by Christian Metzler. My eye brow came back, except that the hair went in fifteen different directions. Fabulous! I kept licking my thumb and combing the hairs over in the direction of what should be called a normal fucking eye brow but as my luck would have it, they would perk back up into there newly formed angles.

So what did the genius decide to do? I went in to Duane Reade and bought one of those mini hair spray bottles. Figured I’d keep it with me to try and spray the eye brow hairs in the right direction, whenever they decided to pop up, you know? So that’s what I did. Every hour or so, I’d feel a little hair perk up and I’d spray that shit on lock down. Figured how else was I gonna train the hairs back to normal right?

After half a day of this, my eye ball started to water and my eye started to hurt. What did I do? I went to the bathroom and discovered that the hair spray actually turned my eye brow WHITE. I began scrubbing my eye brow with a rag in a panic…I poured visine in my eye but guess what? My fucking eye brow was off again! Some how the combination of the hair spray and the scrubbing did not mix and now I once again have a bald eye brow. The hairspray must have dried out the follicles from an already damaged eye brow! Welcome to my world.

(pause.) [LATER THAT NIGHT] Photo Courtesy Andy My

bartender-1.jpg picture by mbfile I was actually exterminating that same night and it was my first night on the job. I was again worried about people seeing my bald eye brow so I strategically pulled my hat low enough to conceal the missing hair.

I lasted one night. YEP! I was called to do a bar late at 3a.m. and the problem they were having was roaches. Turns out that the bartender assigned to show me where the roach problem was, was the hottest chick bartender in the world. She took me downstairs in the basement to show me where exactly the roaches were. You know I had the whole fucking hero mentality going on, like, “I will remove the roaches! and SAVE YOU”. But this wasn’t the movies…

Anyway, I stepped into this refrigeration type room and I am spraying the poison nicely, totally in control, totally flirting with the bartender and having a few laughs and feeling like mighty man and all that bullshit. I sprayed the hell out of the bugs and when I stepped back out of the refrigeration box, I SLAMMED my forehead dead into the top frame of the door. I didn’t realize I had to duck coming out because when I first stepped in, I stepped UPWARD. So the dumbass that I am, walked right into the fucking top of the door frame and cracked my whole forehead from the eyebrows up. I should say eye brow up since I currently have only one. Needless to say the missing eye brow flamed with pain, which is probably the only fucking thing that kept me awake from passing out in that instant. That and pride kept me from going out like a light because if I was alone, I would have been drooling all over myself.

I must have looked obvious because the bartender put her hand over her mouth, gasped and said, “Oh my God, are you alright?” She said it once but I heard it echo in my brain like five times and all I could muster up was, “Yeah, I’m fine, fine….fine, fine…FIIII…..ne” And I continued to spray my roach poison as if my life depended on it, to somehow prove that I was OKAY by continuing with my work but low and behold I was not FINE or OKAY. I was actually pretty fucking far from FINE or OKAY. I fully acknowledged this when I began walking sideways like I was drunk, trying to maintain a straight spray of chemical, but to no avail.

I was so fine and okay that I fell on top of a pile of logs. Do not ask me why the hell there was a pile of logs but there was and I was on top of it saying, “I’m fine, I’m fiii fiiiin nniiifffiei FINE, Fee FI FO DUMB, fine”. “JESUS LET ME HELP YOU!” said the sexy bartender. She helped me up off the logs and back to solid ground and I remember giggling and fainting into her arms like the complete idiot ass that I am.

Next, I was being woken up by a couple of those ambulance dudes, while I layed down in a stretcher in the middle of the fucking bar. I still kept saying, “I’m fine, FINE, yeaaaaaaa, I’m so fine right now, finer than fine.” While my bald eye brow was completely exposed for all to see!!!

So, that was my first and last day as an exterminator and I am back looking for a new job and trying to regrow my bald brow for the second time. Lucky me.