Dog Anxiety

In this monologue, Zara stops over her neighbors in her apartment complex building. She tells her of the terrible creature of a dog she has been babysitting for another friend.

Zara: She asks me to watch her puppy Oscar. I say sure, I mean, how bad could it be to watch an innocent, harmless, cute little puppy? Right? Right? WRONG! It was a nightmare if there ever was one. Look at me! Do you see the bags under my eyes? I look like I went twelve rounds with Muhammad Ali. I look horrible!

She tells me, like it’s noooooo big deal. She says, “Zara would you mind watching my puppy for me for three days?” I said sure no problem. No problem!

This dog has NOT stopped barking his tiny sqeaky voice, (imitates dog) Maar, Maaar,Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar! Didn’t stop barking for the entire night. Maaar, Maaar, Maaaaaaaaaaaaaar! Like a wolf howling in the night. Kept me up! I tossed and turned and tossed and turned some more. I felt like a 1980’s break dancer.

Finally it’s time to go to work. I was actually exicted to go to work for once in my life. Work was somehow a better option than staying home with Maar, Maaar, MAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!

But guess what?! When I walk in my kitchen, I find myself Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiding alllllllll the waaaaaaaaaaaay ACROSS the kitchen and FLAT DEAD ON MY BACK and ASS! I have bruises the size of boulders…DOG PEE PEE.

(smiles sarcastically)

Yeah, huh.

(nodding her head up and down)

(beat)

It’s messed up! The dog is messed up! Cheryl is sooooo messed up for suckering me into watching her, her, her, her, her, Jesus, I can’t think of any more insults for that, that, that, that…AAAAAHHHH! I’ve had it.

(pouting)

He tore up my couch when I came home from work. My couch, the one that I just recently purchased from Levitz, great deal by the way, is destroyed!

And where was Oscar? Somehow Oscar the expert trapeze artist positioned himself ON TOP of my cabinets. Did I mention how small this puppy is? The size of my foot. Don’t know how the hell he got up onto the cabinet. Miracles of God, ANYWAY, he couldn’t get down. The genius was afraid to jump! Mind you there was a load of shit and piss to go around, spread allllllll over the cabinet tops.

SO, I’m going to shut up now before I find myself passed out in a hospital from dog anxiety.

Joseph Arnone

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