Monologue Description: “COCOA PUFFS” is a comedy about taking a dump in the bowl.  There really is no other way to describe it.

Character Description:  In this monologue, Ricky complains to his best friend about how he doesn’t understand why taking a dump in the bowl has been the hot topic of the week.

*This monologue is dedicated to someone whose nickname is now Mo Mo Puffs!  (hahaha)

RICKY:

I don’t get it.  You guys are all crazy.  I have one cousin who explains to me in detail how his dump looks in the bowl.  Another cousin telling me what he went through to get his dump IN the bowl and now you telling me how your dump looks.  I mean really, what the hell is going on here?  I mean, I’m a guy and you don’t see me going around telling everybody what my crap looks like.  Am I missing something?  And you all take pictures and send it to one another! Is that the cool thing to do nowadays?

I mean, what is that?  Is it me?  Am I the only one who finds that all nasty?  I admit, it is funny to a point…let’s face it, I’m known for doing some wild things but a dump is a dump and it should be kept that way…in the bowl.  That’s it.

Spare me the Cocoa Puff stories and all that.  Please. hahaha.

Thank you for your patience  as we go through some experimentation in order to make MonologueBlogger.com more efficient and helpful for your needs.  

All My Best - Joseph Arnone

• Keep On Keeping (drama) 1 Minute
• Keep Playing Games (drama) 1 Minute
• Kicking, Biting and Clawing (drama) 1 Minute
• Kill Them Slowly (drama) 1 Minute
• Kingdom of Bullshit (drama) 2 Minutes
• Knick Knack, Paddy Whack (comedy) 1 Minute
• Know Who You Are (drama) 2-3 Minutes
• Korean War Memories (drama) 2 Minutes

*Jasper The Whale - one-act play written by Joseph Arnone

• Jaruqi (drama) 2 Minutes
• Jigsaw Man (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes
• Jimmy Shakes (drama) Under 1 Minute
• J-O-B (comedy) 1 Minute
• Johnny Pizzazz Salon (comedy) 1 Minute
• Just A Crack (drama) 1-2 Minutes
• Just Act (comedy) 1 Minute
• Just For Laughs (comedy) 1-2 Minutes
• Just One Thing (comedy) 1 Minute
• Just Passing Time (drama) 1 Minute

Here is ZEEE list of Monologue Titles I have written that begin with the LETTER I. Okay, check ‘em out and see what’s worth your time. Thanks and Enjoy! =)~~~

Joseph

• I ALMOST DIED (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes
• I AM SHAKESPEARE (comedy) 1 Minute
• I CAN’T WIN (drama) 1 Minute
• I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM (drama) 1 Minute
• IF I WANTED TO (drama) 1 Minute
• IF WE BELIEVE (drama) 1 Minute
• IGNITE (drama) 1 Minute
• I GOT THE GIRL (comedy) 2 Minutes
• I HATE MY NAME (comedy) 1 Minute
• IKEA DESK (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes
• I KILLED HIM (drama) 2 Minutes
• I KNEW THIS MAN ONCE… (drama) 2-3 Minutes
• I KNOW I’M LITTLE (comedy) 1 Minute
• I LIKED HER FIRST (drama) 1 Minute
• I LOVE FARTING (comedy) 1 Minute
• I LOVE MY GIRL (drama) 2 Minutes
• I LOVE YOU (drama) 2 Minutes
• I’M A LOSER CAUSE I LOVE YOU… (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
• I’M NOT DUMB (drama) 1 Minute
• IMPERFECTIONS (drama) 1-2 Minutes
• I’M SURE (drama) 1 Minute
• IN ALL MY LIFE (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
• IN COLD BLOOD (drama) 2 Minutes
• INDIRECT INSULTS (drama) 1-2 Minutes
• I NEVER PROPOSED (drama) 1-2 Minutes
• INSANE COLLEGE PARTY (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
• INSIDE HER SOUL (drama) 2 Minutes
• INSPIRE (drama) 1 Minute
• IN THE END (drama) 1 Minute
• I QUIT (drama) 1 Minute
• IS THAT WHAT SHE SAID? (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
• I STILL GOT IT (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
• I STOPPED IMAGINING (drama) Under 1 Minute
• IT’S ABOUT ME (comedy) 2 Minutes
• IT’S MY KITCHEN (drama) 1 Minute
• IT’S ON (drama) 2-3 Minutes
• I WALKED RIGHT INTO A STOP SIGN (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “SACK AND CRACK” is a comedy about what some men do to feel their best.

Character Description: In this monologue, BRUCE calls his friend with an emergency regarding his most precious jewels.  It appears that a “situation” has occurred and dear old Bruce needs some assistance with his challenge.  He phones his best friend to help him remove the remaining piece of wax cloth from his gooch and nutsack.  Yeah, read on….

BRUCE:

(Bruce, sits in a chair in EXTREME DISCOMFORT. He wears a robe with his legs hoisted up on the table before him. A long piece of cloth can be seen hanging from where Bruce sits, to the floor.  He begins talking into a phone.)

Bro, bro listen, listen, lis…can you talk?  Are you alone?  Okay, listen, I gotta problem.  I gotta serious, SEROUS fucking problem right now.  Okay, okay listen…you sure you’re alone?  Okay, I’m not on speaker or anything, right?  Okay, listen to me.  Listen, listen.

The other day I was watching on t.v. this show that talked about the TOP TWENTY places to go to when your in Vegas, okay?  Okay…somewhere in the top ten I think it was, the narrator talked about a place called BOX and it’s where people go to have, you know, the hair removed from their bodies, right?  Okay.  

So, I was thinking about it because at this place, they do guys also.  Not just the hair on your back bro.  They do something called a SACK AND CRACK.  Now, you know, they pretty much remove the hair from your balls and ass crack the same way women get a Brazilian Wax.  What?  You would never get that done? That’s great but just–Listen, please, listen!  I need you to pay attention to what I’m saying, okay?

I thought about doing it for my girl or whatever but I don’t have the guts to walk into a place like that and have them do that to me so I…I, I decided to do it on my own.  I decided to give myself a SACK AND CRACK! I know man!  I know!  Listen to me, please!  Listen!  Listen!  Listen!  I went to a store that sells all that shit and I came home and I lubed myself up and I followed the directions and I grabbed hold of the cloth that I layered over the wax and, I, I pulled with all my might and I only got half way through it before collapsing!  

So, I’m pretty fucked up right now as you can imagine. Which is why I am calling your ass in the middle of the day, FOR HELP!  I don’t have the strength to pull the rest of the cloth off! Fucking Chinese Medieval torture type shit man!

I’m home! I’m sitting in my chair with my legs on the dining room table with a strap of cloth dangling from my gooch and balls bro!!!!  I’m bleeding from my ass crack and I’m in serious fucking pain.  I’m hurting.

Listen, your my best friend, right?  We’re like brothers, I mean, we ARE brothers, right?  Right? Listen, as my brother, I need your help.  Your brother needs you to pull the remaining cloth off my nutsack and gooch.  Please man!  Please!  Please!  Bro, I can’t do it!  It’s like stabbing myself multiple times.  It’s too painful bro.  I can’t!  Listen, please!  I’ll fucking pay you!  

Look man, I’d do it for you!  I would do it—OH, I WOULD!  I would!  I’d cut off my arm for you, give you the shirt off my back–I’d die for you man and you know it.  Listen, Listen, just come over, close your eyes.  I will put the cloth in your hands and on the count of three I will take a deep, deep breath and all you have to do is yank real hard and we’re good.  Okay?  Okay?!  

Come on bro!  PLEASE!  I’m dying over here! I HAVE BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY ASS!  I CAN’T SIT OR WALK AND IT EVEN HURTS WHEN I TALK.  I NEED YOU MAN.  I NEED YOU.  WHATEVER YOU NEED I OWE YOU ONE.  YOU NAME IT.  YOU WANT YANKEE TICKETS?  I’LL BY YOU SEASON PASSES.  COME ON BRO.  ANYTHING.   JUST GET HERE AND GET THIS THING OFF MY BALLBAG BEFORE IT PERMANENTLY CEMENTS ITSELF TO ME AND I HAVE TO GO IN FOR SURGERY OR SOME SHIT!!!!!

(beat)

Will–you–do–it?  Oh, thank God man.  Thank God.  Bro, I love you.  I love you man, I’m getting emotional…Okay.  Okay.  Thank you so much. Thank you. How long until you’re here?  Huh?  A Half hour?!  Are you kidding me?!  Where are—Oh God!  Alright, alright?  Fine, whatever, just get here quick.  This is an emergency.  Drive like a demon.  

Thank you!  Call me when your outside.  And don’t tell anyone!  This is one you die with.  NO ONE!!!!  Hurry!!!

Monologue Description: “SIDE EFFECTS” is a comedy of the ridiculous side effects that some prescription drugs can cause in people.

Character Description: In this monologue, DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER is a German Doctor who has flown overseas to warn Americans of a new approaching epidemic.  Dr. Knickerbocker and his team of scientific laboratory geniuses have discovered the “cure” to save mankind against this killer side effects that a particular prescription drug is used for.   He wears a white “Doctor’s Coat” and carries a clipboard.  He wears glasses and has buck teeth.  He speaks with a terrible German American accent with emphasis on words that aren’t necessary to punctuate.  

He stands in front of a podium in front of news cameras as he delivers his historical speech to save the world.

DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER:

Diarrhea.  Cotton Mouth.  Hunger.  Watery Eyes.  Anal Swelling.  Nostril Flaring.  Sneezing. Constant Coughing.  Constant Farting.  Constant Belching.  Anything Constant.  Vision Loss. Paralysis. Weight Gain, Weight Loss.  Shaking. Eye Crossing.  Nose Bleeding.  Ear Bleeding. Anal Bleeding.  Anything Bleeding.  Vomiting. Impaired Speech. Exhaustion.  Headaches.  Chest Pains. Rapid Balding.  Deafness. Foot Scratching.  Back Scratching.  Butt Scratching.  Anything Scratching.  Finger Smelling.  Sweaty Arm Pits. Bad Breath. Mouth Sores.  Extreme Fits Of Intelligence, not good, ’tis trickery.  Jelly Toes. Wait, what is Jelly Toes?  (beat) Errr, Random Bumps.  Random Bruises.  Random Randomness. Anything Random.   AND……DEATH!

As A Side Note:

If you begin staring into the thin air for long periods of time for no apparent reason whatsoever, you have one hour to live and MUST IMMEDIATELY consult with your family doctor!

If you begin crapping BLACK, BLUE or RED, you have one hour to live and MUST IMMEDIATELY consult with your family doctor!

If you have been taking the talked about prescription and feel ANY of the above, you are suffering from (says extremely fast) MAKETHEDOCTORFROMGERMANYLOTSOFMONEY SYNDROME!  YOU MUST STOP TAKING THE PRESCRIPTION IMMEDIATELY!!!

I and I alone, with my team of ASTUTE PROFESSIONALS, have discovered the cure to make the side effects from the drug go into retraction.  By taking what will become known as the miracle pill, you WILL BE CURED!  

(persuasively)

Just dial 1-800-YOU WILL BE CURED to receive your yearly supply in order to stay alive AND fix the original problem you had in the first place. BRAVO!

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?!

Monologue Description: “WHITE LAUNDRY BAG” is about coping with guilt.

Character Description: In this monologue, Benedetto discusses the first experience he had killing someone with a Priest. This conversation takes place in a chruch with no one else around. Benedetto is a gangster who is beginning to lose his mind from the guilt and regret of the wrongful actions he has taken during his life. This is the first time he has ever discussed what he has been feeling.

BENEDETTO:

I walked in front. About twenty feet ahead but his cries, his cries were as loud as if his lips were touching my ears. Begging! Pleading! Forced sounds coming out from his voice…my men, three of ‘em, dragged him along…

(beat)

I made them put a white laundry bag over his face. I turned around and fired one round into his face as fast as I could. He fell back. Blood began seeping through the laundry bag and you could hear the faintness of whatever cry he had left in him. I walked over and stood above him and fired a second round into his face. He was dead after that.

I looked at my guys and said, “Hurry up and bury him, I’m starving.” And I swiftly walked back to my car. I looked back to see my men burying him…I vomited behind a nearby tree as silently as I could.

(pause)

I spend ninety-five percent of my day being someone I’m not. It’s the life I’ve been born into, Father. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t get images of what that man’s face must have looked like inside that laundry bag. I still see his face…

HAIRY BASTARD (comedy) 1 Minute
HAIR FUSS (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HAIRY THE PLUCKED CHICKEN (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes
HAND WE WERE DEALT (drama) 1 Minute
HAND JAM (drama) 1 Minute
HANKY (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HARD ON ME (drama) 2 Minutes
HATE FOR MONEY (drama) 2 Minutes
HATRED AND ENVY (drama) 1 Minute
HEAD TILT (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HEATING PAD (comedy) Under 1 Minute
HERE IN HAPPY LAND (drama) 2 Minutes
HE’S GAY (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes
HE’S NO CARY GRANT (comedy) 2 Minutes
HE WON’T HIT ME, WILL HE? (drama) 1 Minute
HEY, PAL (drama) 1 Minute
HEY SEXY LADY (seri-comedy) Under 1 Minute
HIDING OUT (serio-comedy) 3 Minutes
HIGH AND MIGHTY (drama) 1 Minute
HIGHER THAN A KITE (drama) 2 Minutes
HIPPO AND THE DUDE (comedy) 2 Minutes
HIS STORY (drama) 1-2 Minutes
HOMELESS RANTING (drama) 2 Minutes
HONEST AND TRUE (drama) 1 Minute
HOOK UP ARTIST (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HOT NOSE PICKER (comedy) 2 Minutes
HOT BODY, BUTTER FACE (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HOW AM I? (comedy) 1 Minute
HOWTA BE A GANGSTA (comedy) 1 Minute
HOW’S FLUFFY? (serio-comedy) 1 Minute
HOW’S IT HANGING, JOE? (comedy) 1 Minute