Funny Man

In this monologue, Greg is a comedian in the process of letting his shitty life take over his stage performance.

GREG: I don’t feel like being funny.  Is that alright with you?  I know you guys paid good money to get in here but fuck you.  I don’t feel like being funny tonight.

I came here, getting all my material tight, making sure I’m ready to be this stupid funny comic guy you all love but whatever, fuck it.  I don’t want to be funny.

(takes a sip of beer)

I’m just going to sit here, on this stool, until management or somebody with enough sense escorts me off the stage.  I’m serious.

(to club manager)

Hey Ronny, I’m serious.  I’m not fucking around.  I’m not performing tonight.


You’re crazy, I’m not crazy…I’m a funny man, right?  Aren’t I the funny man?

(to audience)

The big old funny man!  It’s alright cause I can take it.  I can keep coming up with new material.  I can keep being funny up here on this stage but for what?  For you?  Why?  Why should I be funny for you?  I don’t know you people and you don’t know me.  You say, “Hey, that’s a comedian, he must be funny.”

Well, I got news for you people.  I’m a regular person like the rest of you.  A regular guy.  A regular Joe…funny man…that’s what you all seem to forget.  Do you have any damn idea how hard it is to come up with new material all the time?  HAHAHA.  Do ya?  YOU DON’T!!!

How can I be funny when I am so damn miserable all the time?  I know, I know, I’ve heard it before…the best comics have the worst lives or some shit.  I don’t buy into that load of crap.  Packed with some poor bastards philosophy that I really can care less about.

Fuck you all tonight and every night…AMEN.

(he drops mic to the floor)

(he walks off the stage)

Joseph Arnone


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