In this monologue, Jane is sitting around a kitchen table having coffee and cake with her closest friends. The women all share stories of teasing and playing practical jokes on their children. Jane shares a recent story of a joke she played on her son unbeknownst to him.
JANE: Ha, ha, ha, ha. That is a good one Fran. Ha, ha, ha. I have to try that sometime. Ha, ha, ha. Clever. Very clever, I love it!
Okay, okay. Do you know what I did to MY son recently?. Lately he’s been “discovering” himself. You know, his little sexual desires and what have you. I found porno movies in his bedroom. I found them when I was changing his sheets one morning after he left for school. He keeps them under his mattress. Ha, ha, ha. Not the greatest of hiding spots, let’s face it. He could just simply stream porno videos online or on his smart phone and I never would have noticed. These kids are so old school today!
So anyway, I waited. I waited to catch him in the act. A few days ago I told him that I was leaving to go grocery shopping. It was just me and him in the house, so he’d be home alone after I left. Ha, ha, ha. So, I made it sound like I left the house, I even called up to him from downstairs to say goodbye and then I closed the door extra hard to make it appear like I left. Ha, ha, ha.
So I waited. Sure enough, not even five minutes later, I hear him playing his porno movies in his bedroom. So I waited another few minutes and I snuck upstairs and I just finished a load of laundry. I carried up the stairs a small pile of his clothes as an alibi and I barged right in to his room all innocent and I said, “Here’s your laundry honey”.
I watched my son jump ten feet in the air like Michael Jordon and he starts screaming, “Mom, knock! Mom, knock!”
And then I played it off like I was angry that he was watching porno tapes. I was like, “What are you doing? What are you watching? ARE YOU WATCHING PORNOS?”
And my son turned milky freaking white.
I looked at him and I said, “Here’s your laundry, I’m going grocery shopping now.”
I left the house and I couldn’t stop laughing for over an hour!!! Call me a mean mother but that, Oh God, that was worth it. Ha, ha, ha. It really was.
Hey, sometimes us mothers need to have our kicks too!