In this monologue, Connie shows off her new clothes to her boyfriend.
CONNIE: Do you like my green fluffy pajama pants? I just bought them from Victoria’s Secret! God, I absolutely LOVE them. They are so soft and comfy and ooooooh, I just love them.
How do they feel when I rub up on you? (she laughs) Yeeeeah.
(Abruptly stands up and walks around. She does some turns for her boyfriend)
Do they look good on me? Not too baggy? I don’t like it when they are tight. I don’t like feeling restricted. I like loose and flowy. Flowy, flowy, flowy.
(sits back down and sighs)
So, I liked these so much that I bought them in FIVE different colors. Do you want to see them? I can try each one on for you. No? Why? Well, yeah I guess you’re right. It is the same pair of pants, just different colors but, it really does depend on the piece of clothing itself. Sometimes a piece of clothing can almost be identical but when you put it on your body, it can not only look but feel different. Hmmm.
Oh! I forgot, I also got shirts!!! How could I forget that?! Wait. You don’t really want me to show you what I got at the store, do you? Huh? Yeah? You sure you don’t mind cause you’re giving me the mercy look. You sure? It’s only like five or seven shirts. Yeah? Okay, be right back!!!
(she comes back with a giant white bag)
Okay, there’s THIIIIIIIIS one, this one I got from Macy’s, sixty percent off! They were having a sale. What a steal, right? Right? I love the flower pattern in it. Then theeeeeere’s THIIIIIIIIIIS one, this one I also got in Macy’s, it was normally going for one hundred and I got it for FORTY BUCKS! Sexy. Then theeeeeer’es THIIIIIIIIS one, this one I HAVE to try on for you. Don’t you love the color? Feel this, feel this. Is that not amazing?! Oh God, I love this one, it may be my favorite.
(she puts on the shirt)
See? Huh? Huh? SEXXXXXXXXY bitch right? Right? I love it! Then theeeeeere’s THIIIIIIIIIS one, this one I found, oh wait, where did I find this one? Oh YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I found it in some random vintage shop. I took the card, some weird name. But it’s HOT!!!
Don’t worry, there’s only two more.
Annnnnnnnnd thhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiis one I bought was forty nine and I got it for FIFTEEN dollars. Can you believe that? Look at this. I love it, it makes my boobs bigger. Annnnnd last but certainly not least, I got YOU something my love.
(she smiles warmly)
I wanted to surprise you with something. I bought you a really nice shirt.
Try it on, try it on, try it on.