Mirror Mirror On The Wall

(looking at herself in mirror)

JAN:  Look at it girl, look–at–it.  Damn!  My ass is so fat I just can’t take it, Kelly.  (sticks her ass out at her friend Kelly)  Look at that, look at that ass! It’s grown!  I just bought these new stretchy pants and it still looks like my ass is about to pop out the seams.

I have got to stop eating pizza and cheeseburgers.  But please, you know that’s just new year’s talk.  I mean, I will talk myself into some real good new year’s talk girl but I promise you no matter how convincing I sound, each year my ass continues to expand.

I was watching Shark Tank and some woman invented this mirror that makes you look thinner than you actually are…like one of those circus mirrors except it’s not as exaggerated, just makes you look thinner.  Some of the sharks were getting all morally high and mighty, even Mr. Wonderful.  I mean, come on girl, that mirror can LIE TO ME all day long if it means I look fine as wine, okay?  Hey, if I look good, I will feel good, even if that mirror be lying right to my face.  You feel me?  Hmmm mmm girl, you know what I talking.  Shit, I’ll be eating me a cheeseburger right up in front of that mirror, too.  Hahaha, girl somebody have to pry me away from that mirror.  Hahaha. I’m telling you!  I’ll put that mirror across from the couch when I watch my shows and get my snack on.  Be taking glances out the corner of my eye the entire time, making sure I look lovely while I eat.

But seriously though, whatch you think?  My ass bulging out too much in these, Kel?

Joseph Arnone


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