Not Your Average Asshole

OWNER:  Look, Bilbo, I can’t have you work here anymore and the reason being…is that you’re an asshole. Very simple.  There’s no sugar coating it.  There’s no, “Oh, the company is downsizing” type shit, okay?  You’re just an asshole.  I mean, asshole, in the most sophisticated sense of the word.  You make your typical asshole want to call you an asshole.

Look at Frank, that’s an asshole, am I right?  But you, you’re such an asshole that you make Frank look like the honor roll student of assholes and we both know he’s as dumb as dirt.  (to Frank)  Sorry, Frank.

(back to Bilbo)

But he’s a tolerable asshole.  You go beyond your average asshole.  You are like the friggin’, like—if there was a college just for assholes, you wouldn’t even be the Dean, you’d be the founder with your great big asshole of a name plastered all over your asshole school for all the asshole students of the world who would be trained under your philosophical asshole way of viewing the world.  How’s that?

No, wait, there’s more…If it was your birthday, the pastry chef would write the words, Happy Birthday ASSHOLE on your cake.  Okay?  Hold on.  On your wedding day, even the Priest in a church of God, will turn to you and say, “Asshole, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”  If you ever became President the level of asshole you would display would make the citizens of America be forced to name a day after you called, ASSHOLE DAY!

You should have your own cologne called, you guessed it, ASSHOLE, so allll the assholes of the world could wear it to help non-assholes know when a genuine asshole is approaching.  See that door?  That’s the asshole door.  That’s where I’m telling you to check out and God almighty, don’t ever come back.

Joseph Arnone


Monologue Blogger Newsletter
* indicates required