Pass Me Jug

In this monologue, two men are in war and one needs to pee, the other gives advice on how to do this as a battle approaches them.

CAVAGI:  …you can’t move…piss? No, no…you must piss in the piss jug. They hear you, they blow your dick straight off and then I will have to kill you. Unscrew it, gently..silently and when you piss, piss at an angle; if you piss straight into it, it make drop in bucket sounds. When you piss, piss at side and let it trickle down, quietly. Go ahead, do it now and I cover you. Go, go. Do it now.

(long pause.)

What you doing? (beat) What? (beat) Can’t piss? (beat) What is the matter with you? You say you have to piss, you don’t piss. What is it, you have small pee pee? Heh? Is that it, friend? You have tiny teaser, eh? Eh? (beat) Then piss, PISS. You don’t piss now, can’t piss later.

(pause.)

Pass me jug…I show you, I show you how to piss like man. Come, I piss for you. I don’t care if you watch, I am not ashamed of small dick stress like you, friend. Me, I have big proud dick. I fill this whole jug until it overflows with my piss. Coconut balls, yes. This true. Plenty of piss to go around, around and around..we goooooooooooo.

(peeing in jug)

You see that? Eh? This is how you piss, baby friend. Like man. Like man is supposed to piss. (beat) Should I stop or keep going? (smiles) I piss all day, friend. (beat) You piss now?

(passes jug)

Here, then…go, go. Last time…piss.  (he watches)  Good.  Just so you know, you could have pissed in ground.  You did not have to piss in jug.  (he laughs quietly)  No reasons to piss in jug.  Ha!  Even in death, there is humor.

Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is a filmmaker and founder of Monologue Blogger.

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