Patsy Fumbles

Early Morning. Kitchen.

Patsy fumbles through his cabinets. Grabs an oatmeal cookie container.

Patsy: (to himself) Feels a little light…I just bought ’em. (he pulls tray out of bag) You gotta be shittin’ me. Man! Fat bastard. He ate all of ’em. Not one in the tray. Not one. I just bought ’em. Where is he, where is he that fat—

Patsy looks out kitchen window. He sees his Grandson playing baseball. Patsy opens the glass sliding door.

What are ya doin?

Ray Ray: I’m swinging’ the bat?
Patsy: Swingin’ the bat? What happened to my oatmeal cookies?
Ray Ray: I had some.
Patsy: Had some? You ate the whole container of cookies.
Ray Ray: I had a lot of ’em.
Patsy: I just bought ’em last night.
Ray Ray: I had a midnight snack.
Patsy: Are you kidding me or what? You’re fifteen years old.
Ray Ray: So?
Patsy: How can you have an appetite like that?
Ray Ray: Like what?
Patsy: This kid…HOW can you eat twenty-four cookies in one go?
Ray Ray: I was hungry, Grandpa?
Patsy: Hungry? That’s an invasion.
Ray Ray: I didn’t know.
Patsy: What am I gonna do with you boy?
Ray Ray: I thought I left a few.
Patsy: You’re adding insult to injury.
Ray Ray: What does that mean?
Patsy: It means you have no consideration. Hey, I don’t mind you eating a few of my oatmeal cookies, alright? Hell, have half the tray even…but you didn’t leave me or your Grandmother one cookie. Not ONE.
Ray Ray: Grandma said I can have anything I want so…you know.
Patsy: You need to learn some manners son? You’re like a garbage disposal. What happened to my raspberry pie the other day? Did you eat that too?
Ray Ray: It was delicious.
Patsy: Alright, look…you like to eat, I get it. I understand it but you need to have some manners. Leave some food for other living human beings.
Ray Ray: I do but then when I go back hours later, I’m hungry again and I eat more of what I like and then more hours go by and then I eat again cause there’s nothing else and then it’s gone.
Patsy: But not the cookies! You banged those right the fuck out in one sitting. Like they didn’t even exist.
Ray Ray: I didn’t know.
Patsy: Right. You didn’t know. You’re stomach knows. And your stomach should have spoken up and said, “Hmmm, maybe Grandpa or Grandma would like to try these delicious yummy cookies. Maybe I shouldn’t eat all three hundred and fifty nine of them.” What about that?
Ray Ray: You’re right.
Patsy: I know I’m right.
Ray Ray: You are.
Patsy: I know I am. I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t right. Right?
Ray Ray: Right.
Patsy: That’s right.
Ray Ray: Hey, Grandpa.
Patsy: What now?
Ray Ray: I have five dollars. Is that enough to buy more oatmeal cookies at the store?
Patsy: You don’t…you don’t gotta buy any, just have consideration for other people who live in the house.
Ray Ray: Are you making breakfast?
Patsy: You want in?
Ray Ray: What are you making?
Patsy: That depends on what you left us in the fridge. What do you want?
Ray Ray: Waffles and ice cream.
Patsy: Christ. Okay. Let me see what we have.

Patsy slides closed the glass sliding door. Steps back in kitchen.

(to himself)

Patsy: Thank God I had a daughter and not a son. Thank you God for loving me.

Frannie enters kitchen.

Frannie: Pat, what is all that yelling, it’s six in the morning?
Patsy: Your Grandson ate all my oatmeal cookies! And now he wants waffles and ice cream wrapped up with a bow on top.
Frannie: Awww, does he?
Patsy: Don’t you see he eats everything? I have to hide food from him, that’s it.
Frannie: Calm down. We’ll get more cookies.
Patsy: If I don’t start my day off right, the rest of my day is horrible, especially with fat boy here.
Frannie: Hey, that’s your Grandson.
Patsy: Three more days and I’m free.
Frannie: Well, it may be longer.
Patsy: Longer? How? Who?
Frannie: We may have to watch him for an extra week.
Patsy: What? How? Why?
Frannie: Jessica called and asked me. I can’t say no. They asked her to stay a few more days before she takes over the new position.

Patsy sits.

Patsy: This is mega.
Frannie: It’s fine. It goes by fast and then you’ll miss him.
Patsy: I don’t think so. I’m scheduling bowling for the rest of the week.
Frannie: You can’t, your back will go out on you again. You only got better.
Patsy: I’ll do anything.
Frannie: Want me to make you your ginger bread P’s?
Patsy: Really?
Frannie: (singing) I know you love them.
Patsy: Yeah? But what about black hole out there? He will swallow everything in his path. I won’t even get to smell them.
Frannie: No, no. I will tell him the rules. You first.
Patsy: You promise?
Frannie: But only if you promise me that you will be good, spend time with him and no bowling.
Patsy: When you making the cookies?
Frannie: Today, if you want.
Patsy: Alright, I’ll do it.

Ray Ray slides the glass door open and shouts.

Ray Ray: Hi Grandma! Grandpa, I’ll take two scoops of ice cream. One vanilla and one chocolate.

Ra Ray slams the glass sliding doors shut.

Grandpa: You see? Is it me?
Frannie: Shhh. Shhh. He’s just a kid.

Frannie kisses Patsy on the cheek.

Go back upstairs. Have your coffee. I’ll make Ray Ray his waffles.
Patsy: (imitates Ray Ray) Don’t forget the two scoops of ice-cream. Yippy Doo DA DAY!!

Joseph Arnone

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