Pinch

In this monologue, DEMETRIA talks to her sister about what she went through, in order to POP the boil on her boyfriend’s butt-hole…seriously.

DEMETRIA:  Now, what I’m about to tell you, just may very well gross you out and if you don’t want me to tell you my story, then, just say so now because it’s about to get wicked…

(beat)

Okay.  My boyfriend asked me if I could pop the boil…on his asshole.  I know, I know it’s nasty, disgusting and probably most women wouldn’t even attempt such a thing but I love my man and he needed my help…he was in pain, so I said OKAY.

I heated up a sewing pin at the stove to sterilize it and I proceeded into the bedroom where he was resting on his stomach.  He spread his butt cheeks for me, you know, held himself wide open so I could jab the boil.  It was quite big.  Really, it was.  I couldn’t believe the size of this thing on his asshole.  It was wild, like a thumb.  I was afraid it was a tumor but nevertheless…

I’m staring at the boil, my boyfriend is spreading his butt cheeks and I’m going IN WITH THE PIN.  So, I inject him.  He doesn’t move, doesn’t feel a thing.  The boil doesn’t pop.  So, I stab it again, gently of course and still, nothing.  So, I tell him, “Baby, the pin went inside and it didn’t pop.”  And he was like, “Baby, stab it harder.”

I stabbed the boil with the pin like three more times and it wouldn’t budge.  The damn boil would not budge! So Eric was like, “Baby, just pinch it, pinch it, PLEASE”.

And without thinking, I took my thumb and index finger and I squeezed the boil as if it were a zit and the freaking thing burst all over my chin and shot directly in my right eye and I screamed and Eric screamed and we were both screaming really loud and I ran into the bathroom while I was screaming and I couldn’t see out of my eye and I kept washing my face and putting eye drops in my eye.  I thought I was going to be blind for life but over the course of an hour, I began to regain my full vision.

True story.

Joseph Arnone

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