Razor Blades

In this monologue, Kelly discreetly talks to her co-worker about a painful dump she took early in the morning.

(whispering)

KELLY: Sharon, Sharon….can I ask you something? No, really, I’m a little worried about something. You got a second?

(beat)

Well, um, you ah, you ever shit so hard that when you got up from the toilet bowl, it actually made you walk funny for the rest of the day?

SHHH!!!! SHH!!! Don’t laugh, please, please don’t laugh so loud. SHHH! Others will hear Sharon, please, please, please. It was like razors were shooting out of me this morning.  Like I was giving birth to baby piranhas.

This is so embarrassing! I’ve never talked about this stuff to anybody!  But I need to know if I’m fine cause I’m in pain when I walk.  I can’t seem to walk straight.   Do you think I’ll be alright?  Cause I’m a little worried…oh…this happens to you all the time?  Really?  You poor thing.  Jesus.  How long have y–what do you t—oh, OH, well, right, that explains it quite vividly, quite perfectly, actually.  Thanks.  WAY more info than I anticipated receiving but HEY, I guess I asked the right person after all.  Cheerios.

I feel much better now.  Comfort.  After you, yes.  Oh no, I don’t want any, I’m fine. I’m gonna rough this one out.  Probably just tore a bit but I’m a trooper.  Yep.  That’s me.  I’m good.

Thanks for your help though.  Really.  Just between us pooper troopers, right?  Okay, excellent.

Joseph Arnone

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