Side Effects

In this monologue, DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER is a German Doctor who has flown overseas to warn Americans of a new approaching epidemic.  Dr. Knickerbocker and his team of scientific laboratory geniuses have discovered the “cure” to save mankind against the killer side effects that a particular prescription drug is used for.   He wears a white “Doctor’s Coat” and carries a clipboard. He wears glasses and has buck teeth.  He speaks with a terrible German American accent.

He stands before a podium in front of news cameras as he delivers his historical speech to save the world.

DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER: Diarrhea.  Cotton Mouth.  Hunger.  Watery Eyes.  Anal Swelling.  Nostril Flaring.  Sneezing. Constant Coughing.  Constant Farting.  Constant Belching.  Anything Constant.  Vision Loss. Paralysis. Weight Gain, Weight Loss.  Shaking. Eye Crossing.  Nose Bleeding.  Ear Bleeding. Anal Bleeding.  Anything Bleeding.  Vomiting. Impaired Speech. Exhaustion.  Headaches.  Chest Pains. Rapid Balding.  Deafness. Foot Scratching.  Back Scratching.  Butt Scratching.  Anything Scratching.  Finger Smelling.  Sweaty Arm Pits. Bad Breath. Mouth Sores.  Extreme Fits Of Intelligence, not good, ’tis trickery.  Jelly Toes. Wait, what is Jelly Toes?  (beat) Errr, Random Bumps.  Random Bruises.  Random Randomness. Anything Random.   AND……DEATH!

As A Side Note:

If you begin staring into the thin air for long periods of time for no apparent reason whatsoever, you have one hour to live and MUST IMMEDIATELY consult with your family doctor!

If you begin crapping BLACK, BLUE or RED, you have one hour to live and MUST IMMEDIATELY go to emergency!

If you have been taking the talked about prescription and feel ANY of the above, you are suffering from (says extremely fast) MAKETHEDOCTORFROMGERMANYLOTSOFMONEY SYNDROME!  YOU MUST STOP TAKING THE PRESCRIPTION IMMEDIATELY!!!

I and I alone, with my team of ASTUTE PROFESSIONALS, have discovered the cure to make the side effects from the drug go into retraction.  By taking what will become known as the miracle pill, you WILL BE CURED!

(persuasively)

Just dial 1-800-YOU WILL BE CURED to receive your yearly supply in order to stay alive AND fix the original problem you had in the first place. BRAVO!

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?!

Joseph Arnone

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