Soap and Water

In this monologue, SPENCE is in his car waiting to pick up his friend so they can go to a club in the city.  When Spence’s friend gets in his car, he realizes that he is not “club worthy”.

SPENCE: You’re ready to go out tonight, man?  Yeah?  Okay then, do me a favor; would you mind scratching off the dried up boogie you have hanging off the side of your nose, please?

(shakes his head)

Man.  And do you think you could actually brush your breath for once because you’ve been stinking up my car with it and you’re killing me.  I forgave you the first three times but not tonight.   No No, listen Bobby, do what you gotta do on your own time.  You want to live and look like a slob be my guest but NOT when we’re going out to the club, going to get ladies.  It’s not allowed.

Look at yourself.  Is that a STAIN on your shirt?  Over by the third button down!  What is that, pasta sauce?  You don’t even know, right?  Come on man!  Go back in the house and change.  Go brush your teeth and make sure you do the tongue, too.  Did you even shower?  Huh?  What?  You didn’t shower??  You are not club worthy bro!!  And that odor, I mean–what did you do, steal your Grandfather’s cologne?  What is that?!

Bro, what is wrong with you?  Are you feeling alright?  I’m starting to get worried.  Don’t you want to get ass?  Than why wouldn’t you take a shower?  It takes five minutes, soap and water, that’s all.  You have taken a shower before in your life, right?  Well, okay then.  Go shower and, and, wait a sec…what’s that shit in your hair?  Wait!  Step back into the street light.  Wow, man.  Bro, do you realize you look filthy?  No, no, really, you do.  You look like a homeless man trying to fit into society!

You’re unbelievable!  Do I have to teach you everything?!  We’ve gone out before, don’t you know how to get your game on?  Damn bro!  This is gonna cost us a half hour at least.  That is an important half hour in club time.  You are totally blowing our entrance and everything bro.  You’re killing me!

No, I drove all the way here, I’m not going into the city without you now.  You make me feel bad.  Come on, let’s get with the program here, let’s go back in the house and figure out your game.  Shit!


Joseph Arnone

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