Just One Thing

In this monologue, Jackie talks to her girlfriend about how she can’t stand her boyfriend farting all the time.

JACKIE: I love him.  I love him dearly but it’s, it’s just one thing, if I could change it, I would change it about him.  Please, don’t repeat this to anyone but…he farts too much.  Even one or two farts is enough to cope with but he, he is a regular gas passer.  He is!  (beat)  What do I mean by regular?  Like, how often does he?  Well, I’d say at least everyday, at least once.  That’s certain.  Yeah.

And he laughs outloud like a three year old realizing that farts are funny but NOT when you’re thirty!  I mean, come on!  Now, I know he is lactose intolerant, but is that really an excuse?  Is it?  I think not.  IIIIIIII think not because he can control it.  He tells me he gets stomach pains if he doesn’t let it out and I tell him to just be silent about it.  Let them out quietly instead of bombastically.

Do you know that we were watching t.v. the other night, we were watching a romantic movie and all through the film, like every five minutes or so, he’d let one rip.  And I mean rip, he stunk up the whole house.  Disgusting, nasty ass of his, like someone had died and was left out in the open for weeks.  I yelled at him.  I told him to go in the other room if he’s going to keep farting like that.  So you know what he does?  Everytime he had to fart he went over to the front door, to the hallway and he kept blowing farts there.  Then he’d close the door and come back to the couch.

Finally, after like the fifth fart blow in the hallway, the landlord who lives downstairs below us, was waiting for him.  So when he farted, the landlord was standing at the bottom of the staircase asking him what the hell was going on and if something was burning.

He was caught in mid fart.  That taught him a lesson cause he got embarrassed and he deserved it.  He looked like a giant asshole.

Joseph Arnone

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