Top 10 Situation Comedy Monologues

Top 10 Situation Comedy Monologues for men and women.  For additional comedic monologues by the thousands have a look through our comedy section.

  • Not Your Average Asshole – OWNER:  Look, Bilbo, I can’t have you work here anymore and the reason being…is that you’re an asshole. Very simple.  There’s no sugar coating it.  There’s no, “Oh, the company is downsizing” type shit, okay?  You’re just an asshole.  I mean, asshole, in the most sophisticated sense of the word.  You make your typical asshole want to call you an asshole.
  • Crash Cab – AHMED: Hellooooooo and Welcome To Crash Cab.  Would you like to play???  I ask you three questions and if you get them wrong, I drive off a bridge.  Are you ready?  Are you ready to live or die?
  • Side Effects – DOCTOR OSVALD KNICKERBOCKER: Diarrhea.  Cotton Mouth.  Hunger.  Watery Eyes.  Anal Swelling.  Nostril Flaring.  Sneezing. Constant Coughing.  Constant Farting.  Constant Belching.  Anything Constant.  Vision Loss. Paralysis. Weight Gain, Weight Loss.  Shaking. Eye Crossing.  Nose Bleeding.  Ear Bleeding. Anal Bleeding.  Anything Bleeding.
  • Little Critters – SARAH: Oh!!! Oh!!!! Oh God! Shit…(touches keys on keypad to kill the bug) Oh! Oh! Ah hah! I got it. I got you sucker. X marks the spot right on the letter h. (beat) I think…Did I kill you?
  • Crappy Pants – ELISE: Anna, you will never believe what happened to me yesterday.  Oh my God, I was on a date with Fred, YEAH, the guy I told you about.  No, not that one, FRED, the football player from Queens.  Mmmm Hmmm, HIM!
  • Pinch – DEMETRIA:  Now, what I’m about to tell you, just may very well gross you out and if you don’t want me to tell you my story, then, just say so now because it’s about to get wicked…(beat) Okay.  My boyfriend asked me if I could pop the boil…on his asshole.  I know, I know it’s nasty, disgusting and probably most women wouldn’t even attempt such a thing but I love my man and he needed my help…he was in pain, so I said OKAY.
  • Sack and Crack – BRUCE: (Bruce, sits in a chair in EXTREME DISCOMFORT. He wears a robe with his legs hoisted up on the table before him. A long piece of cloth can be seen hanging from where Bruce sits, to the floor.  He begins talking into a phone.)  Bro, bro listen, listen, lis…can you talk?  Are you alone?  Okay, listen, I gotta problem.  I gotta serious, SEROUS fucking problem right now.  Okay, okay listen…you sure you’re alone?  Okay, I’m not on speaker or anything, right?  Okay, listen to me.  Listen, listen.
  • Crazy Glue – LINDA: Alison, oh God, it’s me, it’s Linda, I, I, I, I glued my…I glued my hand to my cheek!  I’m walking around the house trying every kind of product and I can’t get it off.  Nothing will work!  I crazy glued myself to myself!  I was fixing the chair that my Aunt Fran sat in, you know, the one she broke with her fat ass.  The wooden one!  My Grandmother gave me that chair, so I decided to fix it.  The wood glue didn’t seem to be working, so I crazy glued it.
  • Phone Calls – MEAGAN: Why do these guys have to play these stupid asinine games?  Why do they have to have a dumb three day rule?  I mean, if you like me and you are thinking about me, pick up your phone and dial my number.  Right?  Why play these games?  What is it, so they don’t look desperate or something?  They have to PROVE their manliness.  Whippdiddy doo!  Waiting three days is retarded and it gets the guy no where because by the time he does call, who wants to be bothered???
  • Soap and Water – SPENCE: You’re ready to go out tonight, man?  Yeah?  Okay then, do me a favor; would you mind scratching off the dried up boogie you have hanging off the side of your nose, please?   (shakes his head)  Man.  And do you think you could actually brush your breath for once because you’ve been stinking up my car with it and you’re killing me.  I forgave you the first three times but not tonight.   No No, listen Bobby, do what you gotta do on your own time.  You want to live and look like a slob be my guest but NOT when we’re going out to the club, going to get ladies.  It’s not allowed.
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