Baby Blanket

In this comedic monologue Baby Blanket, WHIM is taking a peaceful stroll through the park until he encounters an ugly baby in a stroller.

(Whim takes a glance inside the baby stroller as he walks by)

WHIM:  (scared stiff)  DEAR LORD!  (holding his chest)  (to the mother)  I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scream like that but damn girl, that is one ugly baby right there.  I’m sorry but truthfully, that baby scared me half to death!  Cover it up or some shit.  Put a baby blanket over it’s head.  You cannot be walking that baby around out here in the park.  This park is for serenity.  You’re gonna kill somebody girl, DAMN!

Whoever said all babies are beautiful was lying.  That baby look like it’s got a football head like Stewie from Family Guy.  It’s not even a case of so ugly the baby’s cute.  There is nothing going on there.  Your baby is like a cross breed between Igor and an alien species from the planet UGLY AS HELL.

I’m sorry, forgive me, I know we ain’t supposed to say stuff like that about babies and kids and all but come on, I mean really, I know you’re the boys mother and all but come on, deep down, there’s gotta be a part of you saying, “Goddamn, this boy’s UGLY as shit!”  No? Well, that’s the pride of a mother.  Love is blind has never been truer.

Anybody would—

(calls a woman over who is jogging in the park)

Mam?!  Hey Mam?!  I don’t mean to disturb your jog but honestly, look at that baby right there and–(woman screams outloud)  Okay?  You see?  (to jogger) Thank you, go back to your jogging.

(back to the mother)

Shit.  (beat) Oh hey, I didn’t mean to make you start crying…wait, maybe that was mean.  It was mean, I know, I know but I was just trying to prove a point.  It was mean…but not as MEAN as that ugly ass baby you strolling around in this here park.  DAMN GIRL!  Go home before you kill somebody.  Keep that child home.  This is supposed to be a peaceful place!  Here, take my coat and cover it up before you go to jail for murder.  Almost gave two people heart attacks on the same day in the same park!  Damn…

(mother runs off with baby stroller and baby)


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Joseph Arnone