Bake Me Some Brownies is a short comedic script about a plumber going about a typical day, only to encounter an elderly man with a strange toilet problem.
Bake Me Some Brownies
MAXWELL: Shit, I’m glad you’re here…been dealing with this issue now for months and it wasn’t till yesterday evening that I finally figured it out for myself.
Maxwell points to the bathroom toilet bowl.
You see this here toilet? Drove me nuts. Literally. Each time I sat my ass on the bowl, there’d be a tickle.
PLUMBER: A tickle?
MAXWELL: A tickle. Now, at first, I thought there was some electrical current going on there but that wasn’t the case. I was looking around, trying to see if there was some sort a lose wiring going on but zilch…came up empty handed. But I still felt this current whenever my ass hit the seat and it only happened when my pants were off, obviously, it’s a toilet, right? Whatch you think it was?
PLUMBER: No idea.
MAXWELL: Neither did I. One day I decided to try something different…I went and sat on the bowl with my pants on. I wanted to see if I still felt the tickle…but lo and behold, there was none. So, I took off my pants and sat and there it was again, stronger than ever. I felt it all over my body, this chill going right up my spine, even made my left ear twitch.
Now it got to the point where I had to make a decision. Should I live with this feeling, each time I took a dump in my own home or should I get a new toilet…well, as it turns out, I figured out what the cause of all this fussing about was…you ready for it?
MAXWELL: My balls.
PLUMBER: What do you mean?
MAXWELL: My balls! (beat) My balls be hitting the water!
PLUMBER: Can’t be.
MAXWELL: I kid you not. My balls be hitting the water in the toilet bowl, each time I lean in for a dump.
PLUMBER: Oh my God.
MAXWELL: That’s what I said. When in the hell did my balls decide to go swimming?
PLUMBER: That’s, that’s, uh…
MAXWELL: Can you fix it?
PLUMBER: Fix what?
MAXWELL: My balls from giving me the tickles…can you make the adjustment?
PLUMBER: Uh, I mean, you should really call a doctor for that sort of thing—
MAWELL: No! I don’t want a doctor, I want you to adjust the levels of the water in the toilet bowl? What’s wrong with you?
PLUMBER: Oh! Right, right, right! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll take a look but I don’t know if I can adjust the water levels…
MAXWELL: And why’s that?
PLUMBER: I need to see what kind of toilet bowl you have first and then—
MAXWELL: Come on son, figure it out. You an expert, ain’t ya?
PLUMBER: Yeah, I mean I’ve never been told—you might need to get a different toilet or—-
MAXWELL: No, no, no, I tried. I noticed my balls be dipping wherever I go.
PLUMBER: Excuse me?
MAXWELL: It must have been going on for years and I only noticed these past few months because of how cold the water must have been…I have cheap insulation in the walls…so it ain’t so much as the toilet as it is any toilet. I was even at the bookstore the other day when I had a sudden urge to “bake me some brownies” and sure enough my balls went in for a public dive and—
PLUMBER: Alright! I get it, I get it. I’ll see if I can adjust the water level.
MAXWELL: Thank you so much! When you finish, I have to test it out before you go.
PLUMBER: Yeah, just make sure I’m in the other room before you do.
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