Basket Case – episode 2


Ma and Vicky sit in the parking lot of a funeral parlor.  They see various groups of people entering the building.

MA: Alright, so—

VICKY: So, how long we gonna be here for?

MA: Until I’m ready to leave.

VICKY: Who are all these a-holes?  Are they all here for my phantom Uncle?

MA: Yeah.  (beat) Oh God!

VICKY: What?

MA: I can’t believe she’s here.

VICKY: Who, Ma?  Who??

MA: That bitch.  She better not even look my way, cause I’ll go to work on her.

VICKY: Who are you—

MA: The woman who looks like her eyebrows are smushed together.  God, she didn’t age good at all.  (beat) She used to date your father.

VICKY: Who? That thing?

MA: Yeah.  Can you imagine?

VICKY: What the hell was he thinking?

MA: I really can’t stomach her.

VICKY: Wow.  Look how she walks, Ma.

MA: Same stupid walk to go with the same stupid ass face.  If I end up choking her, just let it happen honey.

(Ma does her make-up in the rearview mirror)

VICKY: Why don’t you like her?

MA: She tried to break your father and me up and it didn’t happen.  Her big knockers weren’t enough.  She comes from money too but it didn’t matter.  Personally, you couldn’t pay me ten million to be with that thing.

VICKY: Yeah, but you said Dad dated her.

MA: He slept with her, that was it.

VICKY: Slept with her?

MA: It’s a long story.  I’ll tell you when we drive back, after.

VICKY: No, tell me now.  Did dad cheat on you?

MA: Of course he did.  With her and every other whore from the neighborhood.  Your father was a gorgeous man.

VICKY: What a loser!

MA: Hey!  Don’t talk about your father that way.

VICKY: Oh, screw him, Ma.  Don’t try to defend him.  He was a real lowlife to do that to you.

MA: I know.  I know, honey.  It’s all forgotten about.  I was no saint either.

VICKY: What do you mean?

MA: Oh yeah, oh yeah.  It wasn’t a one way street.

VICKY: You cheated on dad?

MA: It is what it is, kid.

VICKY: What kind of marriage did you guys have?

MA: We were never married.


MA: Well, we were married but not like married, married.

VICKY: This is—you are all insane people.  Was I adopted?

MA: What?!  (Ma laughs) Oh God, no, no honey.  You’re mine and your fathers.  You have my genes though, not his.

VICKY: That’s comforting.

MA: How do I look?

VICKY: You look good, Ma.

MA: Put some lipstick on or something.  You look half dead.  Don’t embarrass me.

VICKY: I don’t like lipstick.  It gives me breath.

MA: Is that what that is?  And that’s without the lipstick, so put some on horseshitter.  You want a sucky candy cause you’ve been killing me the whole ride here?

VICKY: I’m fine.  Jesus.  Leave me alone. I came with you right?

MA: It’s your life.  I give up.  Let’s go in.

VICKY: Alright.  Give me a candy.  The raspberry one.

MA: Here, this is what I have.  Take what you get.

(Vicky sighs)

(They exit car)


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