Bird In My Ass

This is a comedic monologue about a man experiencing a tiny bird flying into his ass.  This happened while he was reading his newspaper at the park.

FREDERICK: A bird flew in my ass today.  Yeah.  I was sitting down in Central Park, just relaxing and reading the newspaper.  I felt fine.

Then all of a sudden, SWOOP, right in my ass…a bird.  A tiny bird the size of, oh, I don’t know, the size of my palm.  Really tiny, really tiny.  Just flew right in my butt, without any explanation.

What did I do?  I’m getting to that.  It’s not everyday that a bird scoops downward and deliberately seeks shelter inside your private region.   Am I right?

Let me continue…

I stand up for obvious reasons and I proceed to wiggle my buttocks but nothing.  The bird won’t come out and I could feel it’s heartbeat pulsating.  Strangest feeling, let me tell you.  So I try walking it off…still, nothing.  Stubborn bird.  I started doing jumping jacks, nothing.  I began skipping, nothing.  I started running up a hill and back down a hill, nothing.  I dropped my draws and dipped my ass into the pond, nothing.  I went so far as to climb over a fence and start scraping my bum across the grass, rocks and dirt in order to free the fellow, like a dog scrapes it’s behind on a rug.  You’ve seen that right?  But still to no avail, nothing.  The bird stayed deep inside, clinging to the walls of my darkest of holies.

I was beginning to get fed up because as one would imagine, I had a bird in my ass.  Up until this point in time, I remained pretty calm about things.  I was upset about the hole in my pants however, and still am because upon the bird’s entry, the small sucker pierced through my suit pants.  I guess he had no choice.  I paid good money for these pants.

(shows him the hole in the back of his pants)

You see that?  You see the hole he pierced?

Anyway, what was I to do?  I mean, what would you do, HONESTLY, take a moment and think about this…WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A TINY BIRD FLEW INTO YOUR ASS?


Have an answer?  Would you panic and scream, would you freak out, would you faint?

Well, I experienced none of the above.  I peacefully walked myself into the emergency and explained to the staff that while sitting in Central Park, reading my paper, a bird flew up and into my anus.  At first, the doctors laughed but when I bent over to show them, they became curious.  I told the doctor that I was willing for him to listen, as PROOF that a bird resided in my tooshy.

Of course the Doctor thought I was mad but a nurse, a sweet nurse heard a noise.  Everyone suddenly heard the noise because the bird was chirping.  I had a chirping bird in my ass…What happened next?

I will tell you.  The staff made me rest on my stomach, then strapped me.  I had x-rays done which confirmed that there was indeed, a bird in my rear.

I was rushed in for surgery and when I awoke, there was no more bird.  I was fine.  A little sore but fine.  I was given some pain killers and that was it.  I didn’t even make the news.  Imagine?

Strange.  As far as the bird was concerned, he made it.  He lived.  They were able to pull him out of my ass, UNHARMED.  Miraculous, these Doctors of the day.  Miraculous heroes.

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Joseph Arnone