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Blow Off Some Steam

In the comedic monologue, Blow Off Some Steam, Grant talks to his wife about her brother, his wife and their 12 kids coming to stay with them in their home.

GRANT:  You get on my back and I’m already doing the best I can.  How much further do you expect me to go?  I’m already taking three days off work.  I’m maxed out baby, come on.

Got to deal with you brother Wayne coming in from Michigan with his wife and twelve kids…I mean, really…at what point do you think you’ve had enough children?  At what point?  Taking two separate vehicles to get to our home.  Two.  And I just know it in my heart when they arrive it’s gonna be mayhem with a capital M!

(beat)

I know I wanted them to stay here cause it’s the right thing to do, it’s family but your brother strikes a haaaard bargain…his wife, a sweetheart, absolute sweetheart but I swear she’s like talking to a blade of grass, nothing going on upstairs, I have to reprogram myself and dumb down to grade level 1 to talk to her, this way there’s some form of communication, ya know?  Keep it simple, stuff like colors and ice cream and cartoons….bubble gum was a hot topic last time.

And Wayne, that son of a bitch is always trying to help. First it was my beloved truck, blown to smithereens cause he thought he could change the oil for me…he changed it alright…entire engine completely exploded while I’m driving on the highway, nearly run me off the road, the bastard.

Who can forget last year when he thought he was a landscaper?  Whenever I walk past the side of the house I still smell smoke from the garden when it was engulfed in flames…still never got the straight story on that one.  Lost two oak tress too, come crashing down on us, nearly missed our house and killed us all…wonder what this year will bring…maybe we’ll be given a disease as a parting gift.

And please, please, please do not tell Wayne how great my business is going.  He hit me up for three grand last time too, you forget?  Three g’s and I ain’t never heard a whisper of it since.

(beat)

I know he said he’d work it off…let me ask you this…how in the hell is he expected to work it off?  Do you actually think that I can bring him on?  Can you imagine the sort of drama that would take place in my offices with Wayne being there?

That is my nightmare, my heart to God’s ears…having Wayne come work for me.  Don’t mention it, he can keep my money.

I mean, really…(sighs)

Alright, I’m fine…feeling better now, just needed to blow off some steam.  It’s good to talk it out in order to brace ourselves.

Are all twelve of their kids coming?  (beat)  Damn.  Maybe a few will get lost along the way here.  (he laughs)  It’s a joke, take it easy, you know I love all fifty-nine kids.  (he laughs) The oldest one there, Dwayne, right?  Yeah, Dwayne, does he still wet the bed?  (beat)  Eighteen years old with a full on beard and he’s still making pee pee in the bed…that boy would not last a day with me being his father.

(beat)

Our son?  Our son is fine.  I think he stopped wetting the bed—well, I don’t think he ever started wetting the bed.  Our boy is gangster.  That’s right.  Just like his Daddy.

(beat)

Okay, alright darling…I’m a go to the supermarket for us…stack up on ribs, beer, pie, chicken, steak…the whole nine…we got the other fridge in the garage ready to go so we can really stock things up…Jimmy’s taking a ride with me, gonna give me a hand with everything…you just stay beautiful like you do…

(stares at his wife)

Goddamn, you are so beautiful…I’d tolerate a hundred Wayne’s for you baby girl…I love you, I love you, I do…I am crazy about ya just as much as the first day my two eyes looked upon you….

(beat)

I love ya…give me kiss…

(they kiss)

Okey, dokey…let the madness begin!!

Joseph Arnone

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