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Butter

TODD gets caught by his Grandparents TODD and MARGE using butter with his girlfriend HEATHER for a ‘science experiment project.’  Comedy. 4 Characters.

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Butter

Marge: Where’s the butter?  Are we out of butter?  Damn it.

Arthur: What’s that Marge?

Marge: The butter.  We’re out of butter.

Arthur: I just bought one brand new this morning.

Marge: Well, did you leave it at the store again?

Arthur: I took it.  I remember seeing it when I placed the bags in the trunk.  It popped out.

Marge: It’s in the trunk.  Probably fell out of the bag while you were driving.

Arthur: I remember putting it in the refrigerator.

Marge: Arthur, did you take your pills today?

Arthur: Don’t start accusing me of forgetting.  I placed the butter in the damn fridge.

Marge: I don’t see it!  I’ve looked high and low.

(In comes Tod – he is holding the butter and places it in the refrigerator.)

Tod?

Tod: Yes, Grandma.

Marge: Tod dear, you had the butter?

Tod: Yes.

Marge: What may I ask were you doing with the butter?

Tod: Oh, uh, just a science experiment project, for class.

Marge: A science experiment…

Tod: Yeah.

(During Marge and Tod’s conversation, Arthur has taken the butter out from the refrigerator and has been staring inside the contents.)

Arthur: This butter is very light, Tod.  It was brand new.  I just purchased it.

Tod: Well, there was a lot of experimenting.  A lot of, uh, trial and error.

Arthur: I see.

(Marge takes the butter from Arthur)

Marge: Jut give it to me before my toast goes cold.  Next time you decide to use an entire container of butter, let us know.

Tod: It was spontaneous.

Marge: What? What was—

Arthur: Uh, Marge, don’t use the butter, uh…Tod, what sort of science experiment were you doing?

Tod: Uh, we were examining the rate of how butter melts from uh, uh a magnifying glass reflecting the sun.

Arthur: Right.  Honey!  Don’t eat that butter.

(Arthur snatches the butter container from Marge)

Marge: What are you doing? You going mad?

Arthur: I’m not going mad.

(Arthur gives the butter container to Tod)

Tod, you may use the rest of the butter.  I will go to the store now to purchase a new container.

Marge: Why on Earth—

Arthur: Marge! Science is a complicated thing and the butter has been out of the fridge for quite a while and it’s just best to buy a brand new one is all.  Okay?  I’ll be right back.

Marge: Buy bread, too because I can only eat toast warm.  This is ridiculous.

Heather: Hello Mrs. Riley.

Marge: Hello, Heather dear.

Arthur: Tod, may I have a quick word with you, son?

Tod: Sure, Grandpa.

(Grandpa and Tod step just outside on the front porch)

Arthur: What is wrong with you?  Is that what you kids do at your age nowadays?  Aren’t you too young to start playing with butter?

Tod: Grandpa I don’t understand.

Arthur: There’s a Godforsaken hair…two of them, inside the inner rim of the butter!  If your Grandmother would have seen that you would have been murdered and that poor girl, too.

Tod: I’m so embarrassed.  I’m so sorry Grand–

Arthur: Don’t be embarrassed.  Be sorry.  This is my home.  We let you come here to do your homework and now I see why it’s so convenient.  Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.  But I don’t know if I can go in for this butter stuff.  I didn’t even know you were–

Tod: Grandpa, please, I get it.  I’m sorry.  It was wrong of me – and—

Arthur: Are you using protection?  Do you even know what you are doing?

Tod: Yes, I, well, yeah, I mean—

Arthur:  If your grandmother finds out what you’ve been up to forget about it.  I can’t even imagine it.

Tod: What should I do?  This is the only place safe enough for me to—

Grandpa: Don’t even say it!  Now look, I’ll bargain with you.  You can come here with Heather and all but the butter nonsense and getting your freak on, is that the term you kids use?

Tod: Not really but I understand.

Arthur: Well, I’m not going to tell you what to do.  I’m not going to flip out on you and scream my head off…I was your age once too you know.  I was quite the go getter I might add but you need to be careful, make the right decisions, don’t go getting this girl pregnant or anything like that now—

Tod: I use protection…but I…we haven’t, yet.

Arthur: You haven’t?

Tod: That’s what the butter was for…we were…we haven’t gone all the way yet.  I can’t believe I’m telling you this.

Arthur: Alright, well that’s, that’s enough information…

Joseph Arnone

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