In this monologue, REBECCA talks to her friend about the possibility of becoming a mother for the first time, a matter she isn’t comfortable at all with.
REBECCA: Jeannine, do you know what he said to me? He said that I would be a really beautiful Mother. I just don’t know if I’ve got it in me. I mean, I love kids, I do. But if I’m around them too much, I get agitated. I hear things will be different with my own child…will it really? How do I truly know that? I mean I’ve always been pretty selfish. I’ve put myself first in many situations, if a friend wants to meet uptown and I’m downtown, I’m not going to go out of my way. It’s not that I’m a bad person, I don’t think that’s it, I just think I get overly conscious of time. I worry a lot about time and if I feel that anything is sucking my time, it starts to eat away at me…I delve into this deep depression knowing I’ve wasted a day trying to fix someone else’s problem.
It’s not an age thing either, I’ve been like this since I was a kid, come to think of it…perhaps it was my Mother who brought this upon me…I mean she was and still is a great Mother but I remember waiting for hours at the school entrances, waiting to be picked up, all the cars were gone, all the children had gone home and there I was, slumped over on the sidewalk…waiting. I wasn’t reading, I wasn’t writing or talking…just waiting. Perhaps that messed me up psychologically but we will always find someone to blame something on, right?
See, I’m coming up with all these excuses, it’s not fair to blame it on anyone else. I just can’t seem to figure this out, I know it can’t be fear, I’m just worried I guess, that I’ll be sucked into the routine of some of those desperate Mothers who put every ounce of energy into their own child, and none into themselves…I love him and it’s a shame that I can’t see the joy in creating a little boy or girl that will have all the beauty he does…I couldn’t think of a man who would be a better Father.