Can I Use Your Toilet?

In this comedic monologue, Can I Use Your Toilet?, ERNIE walks into a restaurant, desperately trying to use the restroom.

(trying to stay as calm as humanly possible)

(to the host as he wipes sweat from his brow)

ERNIE:  Excuse me, hi, hi, do you mind if I use your restroom?  No?  Only paying customers. Listen,  I’m sorry, can I speak to you privately over here for a quick second?  I don’t want to…I don’t want to SHOUT. (he looks around nervously)   Can you just…thanks…look man, I need to shit my brains out right now.  Please.  I’ll buy dinner, anything, whatever, just let me use your toilet.

(beat)  Seated?  What do you mean, I have to be a seated customer?  Are you kidding me right now?  FINE, I’ll sit, just let me use your toil…I can’t wait to be seated first when I NEED TO TAKE AN EMERGENCY DUMP.  I’m trying to keep my voice down but you are not hearing what it is I am saying to you.  I’m dying right now and I’m about to shit right here on the floor.  Do you understand?  There is a traffic jam I’ve been holding back in my ass and the pressure is mounting and slipping through.  It’s slipping through, dear God!  Please, please…(barely holding himself physically together)  whew, whew…I’m good, almost, I’m good. (it passes)

(he weakly pulls out his wallet and pulls out money)

Here!  Here, just take this, fifty bucks…just take it.  Okay?  We’re good?!  (beat) Are we good?! (beat)  Hey, you know what?  Screw you!  Call the cops, do whatever it is you have to do, I’m going before my organs violently implode!

WHAT?!!  It’s out of service??!!  HA! I DON’T REALLY GIVE A DAMN!

(Ernie storms into the restroom)

Joseph Arnone


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