In this comedy monologue, GUY shares a story with his buddy about a crazy first date experience gone wrong.
GUY: Dude, I’m still trying to recover from the girl I took out last night. Holy shit man. This girl was hot but I just couldn’t deal with her yapping nonstop allllll night bro. She drove me crazy. I mean, you know, as soon as she got in my car she started talking on the way to the city, right? And I figured okay, she’s just a little nervous or whatever. She wouldn’t let me get a word in. But I didn’t think much of it, you know.
So now, we get to the place to go eat and she’s going at it. Strong. From in the car, to out of the car, to walking across the parking lot, walking up the block and into the restaurant. Non stop yapping.
I figured look, she’s just hungry. She’s gotta eat and that will slow her down a little with the talking. She orders, I order and she’s talking like a freight train man. Just vvvvrrroooom vvvvvrrroooom. Unloading. Unbelievable. Like she was held captive for twenty years and I’m the first person she’s ever spoken too. I got us a bottle of wine and the alcohol only made her worse. I swear to God, WORSE. I even looked behind me because it was like she wasn’t even talking to me, like she was in her own world of hearing her own babble. I even thought for a second there that if I actually got up and walked away, that she would have just kept on going without me even being there. I swear. I kid you not.
I started dropping out man. I was fading back, losing words here and there and her voice started echoing in my brain and all I could do was stare aimlessly in her mouth, like I was getting hypnotized. All I could see was teeth, tongue, lip. It was getting intense, so, I went to the bathroom to try to keep it cool.
I came back and the food was on the table and I was thanking God cause now at least she could chew, instead of talk. But, again, I was wrong. It was as if this girl had two mouths, one for eating and one for talking. I couldn’t believe it. I think she just swallowed her food. I don’t think I saw her chew one thing. You ever see those hungry hungry dogs man, the ones that when you feed them, they just gobble it down without chewing. Yeah? THAT WAS HER! Full blown. Swallow. Talk. Swallow. Talk. It was incredible.
I was crying for mercy inside myself. After dinner we went clubbing and I figured look, on the dance floor, THERE’S NO WAY that this girl is gonna talk. In fact, how could I hear her, right?
So now we’re in the club and by this point, as soon as she opens her mouth I start laughing. I can’t control myself anymore. I just start losing it and she’s like, “What? What? What’s so funny?” And I’m like, “That guy over there slipped. It’s nothing.” Making up shit. We’re dancing and she’s talking…(imitating her) BBBBBAAAAAA BAAAAA BAAAA and BAAA BAAAAA BAAAA. That’s all I hear. She doesn’t even make sense anymore.
I see the speakers and I slowly start dancing us over to the speakers figuring it will drown out her sound. We’re like two feet from the speakers and this girl’s voice, the frequency of it, STILL PENETRATED MY EAR DRUMS and to make it worse she moved in on me, talking in my ear!
I’m saying to myself, this girls crazy. She’s gotta be. There’s gotta be something wrong with her, right? Who talks this much on planet Earth??
I pulled the old “phone call emergency”. I had one of my boys call me up acting like he needed help and that there was a car accident. She was like, “I’ll come with you, I’ll come with you.” I said, “No thanks, I’ll drop you home first, it’s on the way. I don’t want you to get tangled up in this. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what happened, blah, blah, blah.”
Dropping her off was like the dream of my life. Never again. You couldn’t even pay me.