Chitter Chatter

Chitter Chatter is a short comedic script for 2 men.  TIM and JIM are at a black tie affair in a penthouse in New York City.  They chat.

Chitter Chatter

Tim: Hi ya, Jim.

Jim: Hi ya, Tim.

Tim: Boy oh boy would I like to sock you a good one in the mouth.

Jim: Is it because I’m banging your wife?

Tim: You guessed it, buddy.

Jim: Or it is because you’re banging my wife?

(they both laugh outloud hysterically)

Tim: You guessed it, again!

Jim: We have so much in common it kills me.

Tim: It sure does buddy boy.

Jim: We even have the same stupid laugh.

(they laugh hysterically)

Tim: One would think our wives would try something different.

Jim: Boy you’ve said it.

Tim: So let me ask you my wide grinning friend. Have you gained promotion or were you passed over like I was?

Jim: I was passed right over just like you big boy.

Tim: Isn’t that incredible?

Jim: It sure is.

Tim: I gotta tell you Jimmy boy, I feel so violent right now I can start stabbing people throughout the room.

Jim: Hah! Wouldn’t that be sensational?

Tim: It sure would be. Say, what would you like to do right about now?

Jim: I’d like to dip your face in that stupid chocolate fountain and feed it to my dogs.

Tim: Simply sensational.

Jim: Yes it is my boy.

(pause. The they both burst out in hysterical laughter)

Tim: Boy I want my career to bury yours.

Jim: I simply cannot live a day longer imagining I’m an old man looking back on my life and picturing a worse career than yours. The horror.

Tim: The horror.

Jim: Hey, look at my wife Anne. Doesn’t she look completely dumb?

Tim: Not as dumb as my wife Kim. Just look at her. I could hear the wind whistle through her skull.

Jim: That’s a good one. I hear it too when she’s bent over my desk.

Tim: Right! Right! I imagine you would. (beat) Where did you get your suit?

Jim: Jack’s on 5th.

Tim: Oh you terrific scumbag.

Jim: And where may I ask did you purchase your threads?

Tim: Mine comes from the finest cotton in Persia but was hemmed together by Giovanni De La Rusca in Milano.

Jim: Oh you evil sadistic self-righteous mad man. You make me want to choke you to shreds.

Tim: You have such a full head of hair it makes me puke.

Jim: Your blue eyes pierce through me like a migraine, you bastard.


Tim: I heard your firm lost the Ford account.

Jim: You heard correctly.

Tim: I only know this because we picked it up.

Jim: Oh behave.

Tim: I got the phone call while your wife was sucking me dry.

Jim: Oh, you delicious fool.

(they both laugh hysterically)

Tim: I do hope you die on the way home tonight.

Jim: As I pray you do as well.

Tim: Well, I always cherish our chats.

Jim: I cherish our chats, too.

Tim: Until next time.

Jim: Hopefully, not.

Tim: How right you are.

Jim: Indeed.

Tim: Indeed.


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Joseph Arnone