Chitter Chatter

Chitter Chatter is a short comedic script for 2 men.  TIM and JIM are at a black tie affair in a penthouse in New York City.  They chat.

Chitter Chatter

Tim: Hi ya, Jim.
Jim: Hi ya, Tim.
Tim: Boy oh boy would I like to sock you a good one in the mouth.
Jim: Is it because I’m banging your wife?
Tim: You guessed it, buddy.
Jim: Or it is because you’re banging my wife?

(they both laugh outloud hysterically)

Tim: You guessed it, again!
Jim: We have so much in common it kills me.
Tim: It sure does buddy boy.
Jim: We even have the same stupid laugh.

(they laugh hysterically)

Tim: One would think our wives would try something different.
Jim: Boy you’ve said it.
Tim: So let me ask you my wide grinning friend. Have you gained promotion or were you passed over like I was?
Jim: I was passed right over just like you big boy.
Tim: Isn’t that incredible?
Jim: It sure is.
Tim: I gotta tell you Jimmy boy, I feel so violent right now I can start stabbing people throughout the room.
Jim: Hah! Wouldn’t that be sensational?
Tim: It sure would be. Say, what would you like to do right about now?
Jim: I’d like to dip your face in that stupid chocolate fountain and feed it to my dogs.
Tim: Simply sensational.
Jim: Yes it is my boy.

(pause. The they both burst out in hysterical laughter)

Tim: Boy I want my career to bury yours.
Jim: I simply cannot live a day longer imagining I’m an old man looking back on my life and picturing a worse career than yours. The horror.
Tim: The horror.
Jim: Hey, look at my wife Anne. Doesn’t she look completely dumb?
Tim: Not as dumb as my wife Kim. Just look at her. I could hear the wind whistle through her skull.
Jim: That’s a good one. I hear it too when she’s bent over my desk.
Tim: Right! Right! I imagine you would. (beat) Where did you get your suit?
Jim: Jack’s on 5th.
Tim: Oh you terrific scumbag.
Jim: And where may I ask did you purchase your threads?
Tim: Mine comes from the finest cotton in Persia but was hemmed together by Giovanni De La Rusca in Milano.
Jim: Oh you evil sadistic self-righteous mad man. You make me want to choke you to shreds.
Tim: You have such a full head of hair it makes me puke.
Jim: Your blue eyes pierce through me like a migraine, you bastard.


Tim: I heard your firm lost the Ford account.
Jim: You heard correctly.
Tim: I only know this because we picked it up.
Jim: Oh behave.
Tim: I got the phone call while your wife was sucking me dry.
Jim: Oh, you delicious fool.

(they both laugh hysterically)

Tim: I do hope you die on the way home tonight.
Jim: As I pray you do as well.
Tim: Well, I always cherish our chats.
Jim: I cherish our chats, too.
Tim: Until next time.
Jim: Hopefully, not.
Tim: How right you are.
Jim: Indeed.
Tim: Indeed.

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Joseph Arnone