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Crappy Pants

Elise crapped her pants on a first date with the hottest football player from Queens.  She shares this upsetting story with her friend Anna.

ELISE: Anna, you will never believe what happened to me yesterday.  Oh my God, I was on a date with Fred, YEAH, the guy I told you about.  No, not that one, FRED, the football player from Queens.  Mmmm Hmmm, HIM!

He finally took me out last night and I was soooo nervous.  I mean, this guy is hot!  I was a complete air head over the whole thing, what should I wear, how much make up should I apply to my face, should I wear a push up bra or stuff the bra?  ISSUES!  Anyway, we went out and the worst thing in the world happened to me.  No, I didn’t run into any ex-boyfriends.  No, I didn’t say something stupid.  No, I didn’t do something clumsy.  WORSE!  WORSE!  WORSE!  You will never guess!  Ready?!

(beat)

I shit my pants.  I know, I know, I know….please, God almighty.  I was there, it happened to meeeeee!  I was so nervous that when he came to pick me up, I felt bloated.  I was so busy getting ready all day, that I didn’t have time to eat, so all I had in me was nothing but AIR.  Oh my God, I shit my draws Anna!

We were taking a nice stroll through the park and I had to let out a little bit of gas.  I was holding back a fart for hours.  So, I thought it would give me some relief to just, you know, let out a little pffff.  But it wasn’t no pffff Anna.  It was more like a sssssplishggg!  And then there’s that moment.  The moment when you know something doesn’t feel right and you’re not sure if it’s true.  You’re not sure if you really shit yourself or not.  And I’m DYING on the inside.  I kept praying to God.  I was like, “Did I shart?!  Did I just shart myself?!”

(beat)

I CERTAINLY DID ANNA!  I sharted all inside my undies, and I was wearing the hottest thong in the world but you know thongs, obviously, it’s not a shitting on kind of fabric.  So there I am, walking with the hottest football player from Queens, clenching my butt cheeks until they were turning blue, so poop wouldn’t drip down my leg!

Oh God Anna, this had to be the worst experience of my life…What did I do?!  I started acting.  I never knew I had it in me.  I started freaking out.  I acted like I was petrified of squirrels!  I know, I know I must have sounded like a demented fool but it was the only thing I could think of.  What the hell would you have said?  I started dancing around him claiming to be afraid of squirrels.  I made up this whole story.  I told him how I was attacked by squirrels as a child, while playing in the woods and that I had a phobia.

He believed me and do you know what he did?!  You will never believe this Anna!  He picks me up from the ground and tells me he wanted to be my hero and that he would protect me and then we locked eyes but it wasn’t because we were in a passionate trance.  We locked eyes…because we both smelt shit!

And he said, oh, you poor thing, you poor, poor thing, you made a poopy?  And I just about given up on life right there at that moment in time.  I said, you know what, screw it, I looked at him and said, “Listen Fred, I crapped my pants okay?  I crapped my freaking pants because of the damn squirrels!”

And that was that.  That was my date with the hottest football player from Queens.  He did call me, but it was more of a courtesy call than a, “I want to see you again” call.  I could hear his friends in the background making fart noises and moans.

What more can I possibly say?  Next time I go out with a hot guy, I’m going to eat like a slob before hand.  Lesson learned.  Amen!

Joseph Arnone

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