Dead or Alive

In this embarrassing comedy monologue Dead or Alive, RAY RAY takes notice of an old friend in a bar that was pronounced dead three years prior.

(dumbest expression with mouth fully agape)

RAY RAY:  Look at this son of a bitch right here…I can’t believe it, you scumbag, you died.  I was told three years ago you died!  I can’t believe it…all this time, all this time I’ve been sulking for you…you absolute piece of shit!  Didn’t they shoot you up with a million bullets over on 135th and Broadway?!  I mean, I heard it was epic man.  You were massacred and kept walking through the streets towards them like that old school gangster Joey Gallo.  What was that about?  I knew even in death you were gangster man.  I knew that shit!  They said you walked two whole blocks after your enemies before collapsing in the street.  BAM!  When I heard that I was freaked out!!  You are a monster man!  You crazy bastard!

Wait!  Before you say anything, I just want to say that I’m sorry for not going to your funeral.  I know it was a real lousy thing to do but at the time, it was hard for me and I’m not good with funerals.  I couldn’t cope with seeing you all stiffed up in the coffin man riddled with bullet holes and shizz.  You feeling me? Especially cause you’re such an animated lunatic.  Hahaha.  But I guess there was no funeral, after all, right?  What was it, a cover up?

But yeah!  You’re alive!  How you feeling?  You look great for a dead guy!  Hahaha!

(beat)  What?  …Twin brother?  Oh…twin, he had a twin, you’re his twin?  I had, I had no idea man.  Shit, dag, I’m so sorry yo…that shit is on me man.  Yo, you want me to buy you a round?  I had no idea he had a twin bro—yeah, now I know, true, true.  In a way I’m kind of glad he’s dead cause–I MEAN, I’m not happy he’s dead but I’m–forget it…look, happy you’re alive and things are what they are and, right—

(he quickly exits)


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Joseph Arnone