Did You Pick Which Shirt You’re Buying?

Paul has been in the woman’s clothing store with his girlfriend for at least an hour, waiting while she decides which shirt to buy.

Paul:  Honey, hey, did you pick which shirt you’re buying?  You’re still looking at the same two shirts?  I gave you my opinion.  I think the blue one, take the blue one.  Yeah.

(waiting)

Are you taking the blue one?  You’re still not sure?  Baby, it’s been like an hour already.  You tried them both on and I think the blue one is the best one.  It hugs your body really well and shows off your figure.  You look good.  Just grab the blue one.

(waiting)

What?  Yes, I’m sure.  Yes.  Not the orange one cause it’s too bright.  It’s too orange.  It’s too loud.  The blue one goes good with your black jeans and those blue shoes you have.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(waiting)

It’s not your size?  What do you mean?  It’s a small, right?  Yeah, so—so find one that’s not wrinkled and…is it your size?  Okay, it looks good on you.  Pick the one that’s less wrinkled then.

(waiting)

My stomach is growling.  What?  No, I’m just hungry and feeling faint.  Lil bit, lil bit.  Standing around in this one store for an hour and I’m starting to twitch babe.  I need food, please.  The vein in my neck is throbbing over here.  I’m starting to get that hot cold sweat thing going on.

(waiting)

Did you pick the blue one?  Still not sure?  Okay, I’m gonna go lay down over there in that corner and die, so whenever you decide, just call the funeral parlor and let them know where I’m at.

(beat)

The blue one.  Pick the blue one!  YES!  You look great in it.  I swear.  I wouldn’t lie to you, you look amazing in it.

Carla, please, baby, let’s get the shirt before I bug out in this store, I’m starting to bug out right now and if you don’t buy the blue shirt at this point….okay, okay, thank you.

I’ll get it for you, let’s go.

Joseph Arnone

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