DIE

In the male serio-comedy monologue Die, Casual Dan talks to his friend in an unusual minded way because he is sick and tired of how all his friend seems to do is complain.

CASUAL DAN: Look, Marty, I gotta, listen, if you could allow me to interject because for the past fifteen minutes here, I’ve just been a spectator while you rant and rave on all your problems and I feel, and you can correct me if you think I’m wrong here, that, um, that it’s reached as far as it’s going to go.  Okay?  Okay, so, if you can just let me say what I think, if you will allow me, permit me, to help you.  I just want to help you.  Okay?  Now, can I tell you what I think?  You know, about everything you’ve been going on about here?   Yeah?  GREAT.  Okay, I just want to put it in plain English so we are, you know, there’s no discrepancy as to what I’m trying to say here, okay, so, here it is, in plain English….DIE.  (beat) Did you hear me?  …DIE.  (beat) If your life is so bad and I mean the way you describe it and everything, just, you know, get there early, you follow? I’m not trying to be a bad friend but the horrors of what you describe, if it’s really that horrific, well then, there’s only one thing left to do here.  Okay?  And me being a good friend is letting you know that it’s perfectly alright to check out but in actuality, um, you see, your life isn’t as bad as you claim and I want you to see the mere absurdity of your verbal account.  Okay?  So there, I said it…in plain English, as a way, you know, to sort of snap you out from this vacuum of misery.  Now, do I believe you should, um, jump off a bridge or hang yourself, I mean, would I want you to do such a thing?  No, of course not, I would never condone such behavior, but, one needs to assess the situation correctly and ask oneself if the ranting and raving is justified exclamations.  You see?  Or is it all, um, like, uh, uh, uh, bullshit.  Right?  So, wrapping up, perhaps you need to bring it down and regain some perspective on your situation.  There.  Hope that helps.

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