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Don’t Act Like You Don’t Know Me

In this male serio-comedic monologue Don’t Act Like You Don’t Know Me, EH YO talks to his son and tries to figure out how to spend quality time.

EH YO:  What did you think, I forgot about you?  Come on kid, I know I’m not that bad, am I?  (jokingly)  Don’t act like you don’t know me.  Ha, ha.

Just because I don’t take you to baseball games or know when your birthday is, doesn’t mean I don’t love you, alright?  Of course I love you.  How can I not love you?  Your mother and I made you.  Of course.

Spend the day with me today and we’ll go make the rounds.  I gotta pick up some shekels from a few people and you can tag along if you want.  It’ll be great.  Most people don’t even know I have a son, so it’ll be nice to show you off a little bit.

Then we can stop over at the ice cream parlor for some vanilla fudge.  Would you like that?  (beat)  Oh, you don’t like the ice cream parlor anymore.  How old are you again?  Twenty-one.  Right, right…uh, I thought you were still in your teens.  You still have a baby face on you.  I swear.  Remember when I had that clown party when you were a kid?

(awkward silence)

You have hair on ya balls now or what?  Ha, ha, ha.  I’m only kidding, I’m only…so, ah, you’re old enough to drink, so, we can go for a few brews.  Wanna go—

Oh, you don’t drink.  That’s good, that’s really good.  Yeah, don’t drink, cause it’s…yeah.

What about a movie?  You like movies?  (beat)  Okay, okay great!  Let’s go see a movie and, and we can grab a burger or something, too.  Yeah?

Joseph Arnone

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