In this comedic monologue Dust Balls, DIANNA talks to a guy she is on a first date with about how untidy she actually is in her apartment.
Dianna: You want to come in? Yeah. Let me prep you, first. (beat) I’m a slob. Really. I am. I am. I know I am. I freely admit it. I just can’t help it. I mean, I know I can help it but I can care less about helping it, about putting in the effort.
Okay, so, what do I mean by slob? I don’t mean I don’t shower and take care of MYSELF. No, I totally pamper myself. What I’m saying is as far as my apartment is concerned. Like for example, there are mountains of clothes all over my place. Just piles of dirty clothes, not so dirty clothes, clothes that I only wore once. I have separate piles for different levels of filth. I know, I know it sounds gross, especially coming from a woman but I just don’t have the time and don’t really care. It works for me. I do the same with the dishes..separate piles.
I don’t really ever invite anybody over…there’s a rip in my couch so there’s some cotton spewing out from it. There’s a gash in the first front room wall and I think a mouse or two may have gotten in. It’s at the base. Just came home and there was this whole. The faucet runs and throughout the night there’s a drip, drip, drip…but I like it cause it’s become meditational. The floors haven’t been washed in years. Seriously. There are some part you can go ice skating and other part that you stick to. You will learn the road map in time. There’s these dust balls that have accumulated. So, when you walk you sort of see this party of wave like dust balls floating against the walls as you walk.
(beat) Now that you’re prepped, do you still want to come in?