Eat Berries and Drink Whiskey

In this short comedic skit, news reporter Jim Turner talks to a camera/viewers while entering a home where the oldest living woman resides.

Eat Berries and Drink Whiskey

Front lawn of the house.

Jim Turner: (to marvin the cameraman)  Did you switch the freaking battery yet Marv?!  Finally!  Bravo!  The world is yours.  Let’s go!  Turn her on and let’s get this crap over with.  (beat) Are we running?  We’re on?

Jim becomes over the top enthusiastic.

(to camera)  We are about to visit the oldest living woman in the world named (he falls but bounces back up and continues talking) Wanda Grimes. According to our records she is just eight months shy of breaking the Guinness World Records for oldest living person currently held by Jeanne Louise Calment, who died at the age of 122.

(entering the home)

Oh! There she is now! There she is!

Jim Turner jogs over to an elderly woman in a wheelchair. This is Wanda Grimes. She looks absolutely exhausted.

Jim Turner: Mrs. Grimes! Mrs. Grimes! How are you doing today?

(no response)

(kneeling beside her) Well, how does it feel to be the oldest living woman on planet Earth? Huh? (waving profusely for Marvin the cameraman to crouch down with camera as well for the shot)  Isn’t that something?! Isn’t that absolutely something? Boy oh boy that must be something, eh? (beat)

(to cameraman)

Is she? Is she awake or slee—oh! She just moved! (to Wanda) Mrs. Grimes! There you are! There you are! I’m Jim Turner from the WGAF Broadcast. We’re here today to discuss your age and see if you have any advice you can give us young people about how to live so damn long. So how about it? What advice do you have for us newbies?

(Wanda moves her lips but nothing comes out)

(Jim leans in to hear her)

Jim Turner: Hold on, I…let me position myself a bit closer to help you out Mrs. Grimes. There! Care to repeat that?

Wanda Grimes: Slllaughter meee.

Jim Turner: Sounds like…(to cameraman) Did she say water?  Does she need some water? She needs some water! Somebody give her some water. The woman is like a hundred and eighty-five years old for goodness sakes!  Give her some damn FIJI or–she looks parched.

Jim Turner takes a bottle of water from a nurse. He tries to help Wanda drink from the bottle but suddenly her false teeth pop out.

(he screams) Oh God! I’m okay. She…her—someone needs to grab her teeth and put those puppies back where they belong.  Please.

The nurse puts teeth back in Wanda’s mouth.

Wanda Grimes: (barely audible) Stupid ass.

Jim Turner: She spoke! (Jim waves to the cameraman)  I’m sorry Mrs. Grimes, can you just—

Wanda Grimes: Stuuppid asssss.

Jim Turner: In a glass?  Would you like your water in a glass?

Wanda knocks the bottle of water out of Jim’s hand.

…I, I guess she doesn’t want the water.  No problem, Mrs. Grimes.  No water, no water for you.  No worries!  (to camera) So here we are with Mrs. Wanda Grimes, the oldest living person on Earth and we are all so very anxious to get her tips on how to prolong our lives. Mrs. Grimes, can you explain to our viewers just how you managed to live so long?  We all want to know how to be just like you!

Wanda faints. 

Jim notices this but pretends to mime Wanda’s voice from the side of his mouth without the camera noticing.

Eat lot’s of berries and loads of whiskey.  (beat)  (to camera) Did you get that? Ha!  Ha!  Berries and whiskey!!

Wanda’s nurse speaks up.

Nurse: I think she needs rest now.  You should really go.

Jim Turner: (ignoring nurse – to camera) There you have it folks! Load your children up on those berries and for all you legally aged drinkers, do a shot of whiskey from time to time to keep that blood flowing. You too can live a long boisterous life like good old Mrs. Wanda Grimes here… (to cameraman) Okay Marv, CUT. That’s a wrap.  Let’s roll.


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