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First Reaction

In this short comedic script for 1 woman 1 man, First Reaction takes us through a strange and awkward first date with offbeat humor.

First Reaction

Rene:  I’m gonna order the fish and some salad, you?

Dill:  Eh, I’m looking at the steak and I’m gonna grab some salad, too.

(awkward pause.)

Rene:  I know this is awkward.  Maybe we should just talk about it out in the open.

Dill:  Talk about what?

Rene:  Come on Dill, don’t make it worse than it already is…please.

Dill:  It didn’t bother me, it’s fine.

Rene:  Honestly, it’s all I keep thinking about.  It shouldn’t have happened.

Dill:  No, no, it’s my fault.  I shouldn’t have stopped short the way I did while driving.

Rene:  It wasn’t your fault.

Dill:  Isn’t that what caused it to happen?

Rene:  It was already on the tipping point.

Dill: Really?

Rene:  Yes, yes it was.  When you slammed on the breaks, it was unavoidable.

Dill: At least we can agree on the fact that I’m partially to blame.

Rene:  If I would have kept myself together…

Dill:  If I didn’t suddenly stop short…

Rene:  The second one was all me.

Dill:  Well that, that was something else.  Yeah, I have no idea what happened there.  I mean, after the first one, I made sure I drove calm and cool, as calm and cool as I possi—

Rene:  I know you did and I appreciate you doing that.

(awkward pause)

Dill:  Waiter is taking for—

Rene:  I just want to say that I’m sorry.

Dill:  Look, it happens.  Maybe not as often as it has happened THUS FAR  (nervous laugh) but you know, it’s cool…maybe—

Rene:  Dill?

Dill:  Yes?

Rene:  I don’t like you.  No offense, but the truth about it is that my screams are a reaction to your face.

Dill:  What exactly are you saying?

Rene:  I’m saying that my first reaction to you, on this blind date of ours and me screaming, are connected.

Dill:  Connected?  I thought it was because I stopped the car short while driving?

Rene: That was coincidental, it was bound to happen at any minute, regardless.

Dill:  No kidding?

Rene:  Dead serious.

Dill:  Hmmm.  Are you still getting the fish?

Rene: The fish?  Yes.

Dill:  Right.  (beat)  Right.  Yeah.  So.  Um.  Uh.  Why don’t you like me?

Rene:  I loathe you.  Well, not now, scratch that.  I like you now…moderately.  You’ve shown patience and understanding and that’s important to me.

Dill: Is it?

Rene:  Very.

Dill:  Well, my parents raised me to be a gentleman.

Rene:  I see.

Dill:  That’s the problem with men today, isn’t it?

Rene:  What is?

Dill:  Oh, treating a woman with class, instead of like property or worse.  It’s just considered so old fashioned and it shouldn’t be.  I want to bring class back.  There needs to be a renaissance in terms of how men treat women.

Rene:  I couldn’t agree more.

Dill: That’s right.  I mean, what’s wrong with a man opening up a door for a woman?  Or holding her hand while going out for a walk?  What’s wrong with a beautiful woman such as yourself blasting out scream after scream after high pitched scream, relentlessly and unabashedly, while on our way to this expensive restaurant…RIGHT?

Rene:  Wow, you’re starting to turn me on.

Dill:  Am I?  Good!  Let the wind fly baby cause I’m coming out!!!  Because that is what I believe dammit and someone needs to say it and I just said it, so there it is!

Rene kisses Dill with the longest, deepest, most passionate kiss ever planted on a man.

Rene sits back in her chair.

Long pause.

Dill:  Was that real?

Rene:  Very.

Dill:  I liked that.

Rene:  Bet you did.

Dill:  This is the…this is the greatest night of my life.

Rene:  Dill?

Dill: Yes, Rene?

Rene:  Dill, I don’t feel like screaming anymore.

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Joseph Arnone

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