Gangster Grandma

In this comedic monologue, GANGSTER GRANDMA talks to her Grandson about whacking one of her long time friends after bingo.

GANGSTER GRANDMA: Honey, can ya pass Grandma the salt…thanks honey…

(she shakes salt shaker on her plate of food)

Just a bitsy I use, just a bitsy.


Now, that son of a bitch Marvin’s got it comin’ to ‘em.  Ya hear?  If he opens his mouth again, I want ya to cut his throat.  That’s right.  Slice him up good.  I don’t want no more problems with Marvin.  Ya hear?  If he gets outta line again, either you cut his throat or I’ll whack ‘em myself.  That’s that.

(her phone rings)

Wait a minute…pass me the phone…

(she answers it)

Hello?  Ooooooh hi Linda dear.  How are you sweetheart?  What’s that?  Tonight is bingo night for us girls.  Yeah.  Hahahaha.  Sure.  Can’t wait to see you.  I’m looking forward to it, dear.  Good.  Do you want to drive here and then—Oh okay.  Wonderful.  Yes.  Oh, I’m having lunch with my handsome Grandson.  Yes.  Oh no, that’s okay, that’s alright, dear.  We just sat down.  Haha.  Okay..I will call you back when he leaves.  He’s leaving soon.  Okay.  So looking forward to seeing you tonight.  Maybe we will win some MONEY!  Hahaha.  Okay hon.  Ba-bye.  Ba-bye.

(back to her Grandson)

She’s next!  That woman never stops.  She gives me indigestion.  After Marvin, I want you to take care of Linda.  Pain in my ass, she is.  I’ve had it up to here with here pleasantries.  She’s just too pleasant.  Everything is so happy go lucky for her.  Not a care in the world, while everybody else gets a migraine.  People should not be that happy.  WHACK HER!  Maybe tonight after bingo, we’ll give her a little bango instead.  Alright?  I’ll bring her over for a night cap and you come up from behind and choke her out.  Yah hear?  CHOKE HER right the hell OUT and we’ll dispose of her in the morning!

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Joseph Arnone