Gone, Gone Burdie

In this comedic monologue, RONALD is seen on one of those cheesy late night infomercials trying to sell a product that is completely ridiculous.  But he doesn’t think so…

Ronald:  Take it from me folks.  I’ve been bitten by a cobra, masticated by an alligator and mauled by the same Goddamn bear on two separate occasions.  Just because I’ve learned the hard way, doesn’t me you do, too.

That’s why I’ve come up with a revolutionary product for adventure seekers.  I call it, BOOSTERS.  What you do is simple.  Each booster is designed to go directly over your shoe.  Sort of like Invisaline, except for your shoe, instead of your teeth.  When a predator like a lion is on your ass, click your shoes together like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and your Boosters will activate and eject you deep into the sky.  Gone, gone burdie.

Now, however and wherever you land is completely up to you.  Hell.  This product has been proven and tested by me personally. With just my shoes on, I ran naked through a jungle in Uganda and not one gorilla was able to catch my ass.  Not one!  It had to be the most freeing experience, folks.  I was howling, shouting, making faces at every silver back I could find but it would always be the same.  They’d chase me down, I’d click my shoes and I was out like a scout, just like Superman.

This product only works on land and oh, be sure there’s nothing overhead when you click your footsies together cause you don’t want to go straight up into a tree branch for example.  Sort of defeats the purpose.

Call now and get sprung.

Joseph Arnone


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