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Goody Two Shoes
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Sam: You are a dirty man.
Nness: Yes, I am.
Sam: Proud of it, aren’t you?
Nness: I do what I have to do.
Sam: I always knew you to be filthy but you take garbage to the next level.
Nness: It’s what I do.
Sam: She was married.
Nness: Your point?
Sam: Don’t you feel any guilt?
Nness: For a second but then nothing.
Sam: She was married!
Nness: You’ve said that.
Sam: How can that not weigh on you?
Nness: We were only playing.
Sam: Where is your self-respect?
Nness: I’m a monster. I accept it. Self-respect is a mental moral game we play with ourselves. I much rather get things done, enjoy myself and live guilt free.
Sam: What about her children?
Nness: What about them?
Sam: Don’t you feel bad?
Sam: What if that was done to your sister?
Nness: What if?
Sam: Wouldn’t that make you sick?
Nness:…No, because everyone has a right to live their life the way they see fit.
Sam: You are horrible.
Nness: This is getting boring. Do you have anything else you wish to discuss with me?
Sam: I don’t.
Nness: Nice meeting you.
(Sam stares at Nness)
Are you going to keep staring at my pretty face?
Sam: I’m stuck.
Nness: It happens.
(Sam punches Nness in the face)
Hold on. Nope. I still feel the same. You didn’t change me one bit.
(Sam punches Nness again)
Damn this isn’t getting any more exciting than the first punch.
Sam: I want you to feel bad for what you’ve done.
Nness: You can’t make someone suddenly feel bad, Sam. I am who I am and you are who you are. I don’t waltz into your life telling you how to live it. Don’t come waltzing into mine. (beat) Okay. I’ll admit something to you. This should perk you up. The second or two when I actually feel regret for what I’ve done, although it’s brief, it’s extremely powerful. During that second or two I rather be dead. If someone came along in that two second life span and blew my head off with a shotgun, I’d accept it with open arms. That’s the truth. Does that tip the balance a little more in my favor?
Sam: You’re just gonna keep going on like this, right? I mean there’s nothing that will, this is it…
Nness: Afraid so. This is what makes the world interesting. How boring would it be if we were all like you? Or, if the world was filled with creeps like me? Too much of any one thing is never a good idea. We need the melting pot of personalities and ideas and morale. You’re actually quite lucky I’m here. Goody two shoes.
Sam: I’m not.
Nness: Yeah, you are. Christ! Do something deceitful for once you pathetic little swine. Get out into the world and feel something. Stop playing it safe! You have one life to live. You will be one of those old miserable men who have nothing in the world to worry about other than your perfect green lawn. Screw your green lawn! Stomp on that shit. Drag your boots across it, leave holes in the ground. Dig up the dirt and throw it at the flowers. You are such a small, weak, simple man. You have no complexity, no depth, no danger. You don’t taste the world. You peasant! Cheap! (imitating Sam) “Oh, you’re so bad, you’re so mean…” You make me want to vomit inside my mouth.
Sam: I can never be like you.
Nness: (imitating Sam) “You can never be like me?” Where did you get that catch phrase from, Sunday mass? Nice and neat in your freshly steamed shirt, hair parted to the side, topped off with a bow tie. (he laughs) Greeting people like the good sheltered proper boy you are. Safe! Chicken shit safe!
Sam: You are an ill man. You should be locked up in an asylum.
Nness: No. I came out while you still hide. I came out to explore. I want to know things. I want to feel things. How else can one exist?
Sam: Use caution!
Nness: What? Caution? Who is this guy? Come on, get out of here already. I can’t stand the sight of you. Your perfection makes me gag.
Sam: I’m not perfect.
Nness: Quit trying to be.
Sam: I’m not. I have problems, too. I just choose to go about things the way I go about them.
Nness: You haven’t hatched. Therefore, your problems mean nothing.
Nness: Anyone with any real problems will sooner or later venture down the path of wisdom. You are still in first grade.
Sam: I’m a full grown man.
Nness: Are you?
Sam: Of course I am.
(Nness tosses a knife to Sam. It lands at his feet.)
Nness: Show me.
Sam: Show you, what?
Nness: Pick up the knife and stab yourself.
(Sam picks up the knife and stabs himself in the thigh.)
Okay. Second grade.
(Sam twists the knife)
(Sam pulls the knife out)
Fourth grade. Well, well. Due to that lovely display, the administration has decided to skip you a few grades. Well done.
Sam: I’ve had enough.
Nness: There’s still time for you yet…
(Sam limps out of the room)
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