Hat Brother of Mine

Hat Brother of Mine is a serio-comedic scripts featuring two brothers who somehow carve out a living for themselves being untalented crooks.

Hat Brother of Mine

Oscar: I can’t believe you set the papers on fire.

March: I just did it, bro.

Oscar: Can’t you go longer than five minutes of being normal?

March: How can I act normal, if I’m not actually normal?

Oscar: But you knew how important those papers were for us, didn’t you?

March: I did.

Oscar: And you know that those papers would have led us to a fortune…you realize that?

March: And?

Oscar: You threw them in the fire!

March: I had an urge. You told me that I should always act on my urges.

Oscar: Not literally, March. Not literally. It’s my fault cause I should have never of said that shit to you. There’s no rationality floating around in your brain, so of course— (pause) That was our chance.

March: What chance?

Oscar: Our chance to get rich, idiot. You’re such a idiot. Where did I find you?

March: That’s stupid cause you didn’t find me, I’m your brother, ain’t I?

Oscar: (to himself) I’m cursed.

March: So? Everybody’s cursed? We’re all diseased and cursed. I have a boil on my a**hole.

Oscar: What?

March: I think I have one of those—

Oscar: Forget it. I don’t want to hear about–you’re out of your mind.

March: What?

Oscar: You burned the papers! I have no way of navigating to where the money is buried. I can’t go back to the guy who gave it to us because we already killed him.

March: It’s not like we can go dig him up or anything.

Oscar: Exactly.

March: I mean, that would be pointless.

Oscar: Yes, it would be.

March: I wonder what he looks like now…you think worms are eating him?

Oscar: I don’t know.

March: You don’t think worms are eating him?

Oscar: Yeah man, whatever. Who cares?!

March: He was a pretty large guy. Bet we made a lot of worms super happified.

Oscar: Happy, you don’t need to say happified, it’s weird. Sounds weird.

March: Happified is the past tense of happy. So if we buried him three days ago, I am sure there are worms who are completely happified and satisfied. Right?

Oscar: Right now I’m pissedoffified and can give a shit less.

March: Pink.

Oscar: I’m just ignoring you now.

March: PINK.

Oscar: …what’s…pink, March?

March: Changing topic. So you don’t get pissedoffified anymore.

Oscar stares at March.

Did it work?

Oscar continues staring at March.

What? (beat) Blue. Yellow. Beige. Back to pink…red.

Oscar sits down.

You look…white. You okay, Oscar? Oscar??

Oscar: Just shut your face for a minute. I’m about to have a heart attack. I’m trying not to have a heart attack.

March: Want some water?

Oscar: If you could just not speak, another word, I will be okay.

March grabs a monopoly board game and slams it down at the table in front of Oscar.

What are you doing, March?

March starts to pantomime that they can play monopoly together.

Oscar: Speak! Say it!  WHAT?

March: We can play monopoly. You don’t need to talk for monopoly.

Oscar: Why would I want to play monopoly with you, right now? Huh?

March: We got all the pieces. We can play anytime.

Oscar: Listen, you Rain Man son of a bitch of a brother. I’m about to have a stroke and you’re putting—

March: One round.

Oscar: (to himself) I am alone in this world. Doesn’t anybody else see me? I’m here, right here, tortured and miserable in this life of hell and shit and I don’t know what, I want to ffff, ffffkill someone today.

Oscar is pacing in the room and conducting short jerky movements.

Mmmmmm and mmmmmm. I just wanna ffff—mmmmmmmMMM! MAN! Alright?! Alright??!!

March: …Alright, so….uh…bro, you ah, you wanna be the boat or the hat?

Oscar: Hat! I’ll be the hat, brother of mine.

Oscar sits down violently and smiles a wide shit eating grin of eery ‘Joker’ madness.

March: (laughing) You look like the Joker, bro? Hold on, let me get my phone…(March snaps a photo of Oscar with his phone) Yo! Look at that!

March shows Oscar the photo he just took.

That’s crazy. How did you do that face?

Oscar: How?

Oscar throws the monopoly board game across the room.

That’s how! You like that? Want to see more?!

March: Oh shit! Yeah, hold on, hold on. Okay, go.

Oscar: I—WAS—JOKING!!!

Oscar makes a crazy face accompanied with a body flex and March snaps photos wildly.

March: Sick! That was incredible. Wow, man. Dude. You could play the Joker. Like, for real man. Shit was intense.

Oscar: I’m gonna go out for a walk.

March: I’ll come with.

Oscar: Alone! I need to walk alone. By myself. Without you. Solo. Me, myself and I. Just by my lonesome.

March: Why can’t I come?

Oscar: Because I need to not choke you to death.

March: Wait, you’re mad at me right now, bro? What did I do? I just wanted to play some monopoly with you.

Oscar: Yes, I know you did. Of course you did because you’re you and I’m me and we’re family. Aren’t we? Aren’t we LA FAMILIA?

March: Is that Italian?

Oscar: I’m going for a walk. Don’t bother me.

Oscar walks out of the room. The door is heard slamming shut. March burps and puts on the TV set.


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