An odd and darkly morbid comedic monologue How’s Your Day Going?, Danny Boy talks to a friend that happens to be literally a palm-sized rock.
Let’s Call Him Danny Boy: I’m tired. My body is achy and I’m totally unhappy. My head feels like it’s swelling and I’m a bit dizzy. Been going to the toilet all morning. My coffee goes right through me but I continue to drink it because I love my coffee and I won’t take no for an answer. I don’t care how many brown puddles I leave. Take my coffee away from me and I am liable to die from depression. It’s all I have going for me.
I’m a banana head and I don’t care. Do you even know what I mean when I say that? (beat) Neither do I.
I sweat. I sweat all day long. I sit in a black leather chair wearing nothing but my underwear and my balls stick to the seat every time they sneak out for some air. When I get up for more coffee my balls peel off the leather and it jolts my nerves. Really. The chair is on wheels. The chair doesn’t smell. I’ve sniffed it and it doesn’t smell…not really.
Sometimes my back sticks to the leather chair and it hurts cause it twists my skin and messes with my blood flow, which in turn messes with the work I’m trying to accomplish on my computer. The back of my head goes numb!
What kind of work do I do? …I just said, computer work.
I live alone. It’s quiet. I had a cat that I liked…I wouldn’t say loved but I was growing fond of the little bastard but he jumped out the window to attack a bird that landed on the fire escape and down he went…Morris…landed on a closed barbecue…I buried him, next to the barbecue. I figured that’s what he would want…took quite a bit of time to peel him off the barbecue…I often wonder what it must have been like for him…it was a shiny barbecue, so he must have seen his own reflection before impact…can you imagine what went through his little brain? Sick, right? I mean, that’s bad enough for a human being to experience, let alone a cat…with a cat that’s like next level, can’t process, WTF type shit, right?
We still use the barbecue…NOT ME, but the neighbors, the neighbors still cook up some ribs and steaks on weekends. In the building I live in, we all have access to the barbecue on the backyard patio…I cleaned the barbecue very well as you may have imagined…very well, was even able to bend back a few of the dents. Still nice and shiny, for the most part.
Why am I telling you this? Cause you’re a rock. Who are you going to tell? Unless you tell other rocks but that’s highly unlikely cause you’re just a rock. But what about you…how’s your day going?