In this dramatic female monologue, ALICEA talks to her friend about being fed up with her boyfriend’s misunderstandings all the time.

ALICE:  Ooooeeeew he makes me crazy!  Crazy!  Everytime I say something he thinks I mean something else and the thing he thinks I mean he interprets negatively and everything gets screwed up from there!

(big gasp)

He thinks he knows me so well!  He’s one of those people who spends time reacting to what you say, instead of actually listening to what you are saying.  I hate that, it drives me nuts.

Just the other day, I was asking him a simple question about his friend Gary, you met Gary, “Look at me Gary” the one with the cross-eyes…YEAH!  HIM!  So, I don’t know, I asked him something about Gary’s cat Flutters because a week or so ago Flutter got its ass kicked from a squirrel…at least, something like that, ANYWAY, I asked him how Flutters was and he was like, “Why are you asking me about Gary’s cat?!”  All serious and stuff and he was insinuating that I was insinuating something else because he thinks I hate Flutters and was asking with the hope that the cat died or something, which isn’t true.  I mean, I am not very fond of Flutters because the little shit scratched me and I scarred but I wouldn’t wish the poor animal death.  I mean, really.  I’m not a vengeful person like that.

You see?  It’s things like that, these little stupid episodes…I was genuinely asking about Gary’s cat with no ill intention whatsoever.  So we got into this big argument over insinuations and one word led to another and we haven’t spoken in two days.  I’m so upset over this…I don’t know how to make him get it; change his view of what he thinks I’m saying when I express myself.  In a way, I hate Flutters even more now but I still still still don’t wish the animal death.  It’s true, I don’t and it’s not the cats fault we fought but; we fought over that stupid cat at least three times.


How do I explain this to him?

Joseph Arnone


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