It Could Have Been So Much Better

In this monologue, JORDON gives his final goodbye to his father after deciding he no longer wishes to talk to him ever again.

Jordon: You know I’ve tolerated so much from you throughout my life and like a dog, I kept on coming back for more abuse because all I ever wanted from you was your love.  I always wanted us to be close like some of those fathers and sons I’ve seen throughout my life.

I knew this one guy, Eddie.  He was so close to his dad.  Whenever he spoke about him it was like he was talking about a hero from a comic book he read.  He idolized his father so much is was almost unmanly.

I actually got to see it.  Eddie asked me if I could come over his house to help him and his father do some yard work.  I said sure.  It was one of those blistering hot days out but I went anyway because I wanted to meet his dad.

Anyway, throughout the day I got to see what their relationship was like and it was really something.  I personally got to feel what it was like to have a father like Eddie’s because I imagined I was part of their family.  I imagined that I was Eddie’s brother and his dad was my dad, too.  For the whole day we all worked together in unity and shared beers and made jokes and helped one another with the yard work.  For the first time in my life I was able to feel what it was like to…it was something I never felt before and there was a realness about it that I kept inside my chest.

Well, when I got back in my car and left, I cried all the way back home like a child because I got to feel what it was like without the beatings and silences, without the criticisms and judgements…I was embraced, accepted…I was okay to be me…just me…and it was okay.

I’m walking away from your broken promises, let downs and bullshit.  I’m not making up excuses for you anymore.  You are who you are and I am who I am and nothing is gonna change that.

It wasn’t all bad but man it could have been so much better.

Joseph Arnone