Job Interview

In dark humor monologue Job Interview, M goes off on a tangent about how they are extremely qualified for the position they are being interviewed for.

(M leans forward in their chair.  Eyes aimed squarely at their interviewer.)

M: Hey, you know what?  You are by far the undisputed winner of the dumbest person I have ever met! That is right and that is, YOU!  The brain of an itty bitty fruit fly.

How did you get your job, you stupid waaaaste of speeerm?  HOW, were you even smart enough to make it to an ovary, let alone get this far?!  For God’s sake!  I mean, you want to ask me your dumb little questions, that you learned from your dumb little school and follow all your dumb little procedures to conduct your dumb little interview with me.

Don’t you see the talent in front of you?!  You know I can rock this job.  You know it!  I draw circles around you people. What I do in a single day you couldn’t muster up in an entire week!  Pathetic!

Why interview me when I see you have no intention of ever hiring me to begin with?  Is it just standard procedure?  Want to make yourself look like you’re actually putting in some good ole hard work?  You jerk!  Maybe you just plan on getting your friend in the position without anyone suspecting? I bet! You idiot!

How dare you doubt my worth?!

Take your insulting questions and your underpaid job and stick it deep in your ass and leave it there until it festers inside you long enough to become a big black demon that will slowly gnaw its way out from inside of you with its large sharp fangs!!!

Go order lunch!  Loser.

(M storms out)

Damn that felt good.

Joseph Arnone


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