Knocking On My Door

In the dramatic monologue Knocking On My Door, Eel has kidnapped a criminal, tied him up and placed him in his basement.

Eel:  I love sipping my coffee and smoking my filtered tip cigars.  I could do this all day at a snails pace and love it.  It’s like watching a no-hitter on a sun drenched summer day, hot dog in one hand, ice cold Bud in the other…loving life.

You know something, Vic?  I’m not like your usual law enforcer.  (beat)  Oh, you have heard of me. I’m flattered.  (grins)  Not really.

What you’ve heard is what you’ve heard…you’re a special case and it make me so happy inside when I get a fella like you, enters my world and brightens me all up, just like the first time.  (joking)  You remember your first time?  (laughs)  In your case, I’m going to go above and beyond the call of duty.

I know your brother, your father, your sister, your mother, your cousins, your close friends, neighbor friends and barely friends.  I know you suffer from shoulder pain on the…left side, if I’m not mistaken.  You have a mole under your left ass cheek.  You often think about the abuse you were given as a child and how you sometimes try to rationalize it for your terrible ways.  I know you enjoy romaine lettuce with Wish-Bone Italian dressing, the one with the signature blend of herbs and spices.  You like slender fit pants and ankle socks and drugs and women and the Indian Scout Bobber Motorcycle.  Great bike…thunder black preferred.

You think you’re bad?  Yeah?  You think you’re a bad guy?  You ain’t bad. The things you’ve—that’s not bad.  It’s not good but it’s not bad, bad, like, really, really, bad.

No…things you’ve done…(shakes his head)

When you look at me you think about the good man fighting the good fight, wearing his badge and flying around with a Superman cape.  I am no Superman, let me tell you.  Was never cut out for that higher honor kind of life.  You know the, “Do what’s right” and the “You will be punished” bullshit we’ve all been raised to think.

That was never me, Vic.  I play somewhere in the middle.  I go about my business the way I need to go about it.  I do what needs to be done, so I can get my weekly check, keep a roof over my head and play by my own set of rules.

Where we are now is not the local precinct, Vic.  I didn’t throw you in the trunk of my car to simply give you away.  No, no, no.  Someone like you will walk right out of the court room.  That would be foolish on my part.

I’m gonna kill everybody you know.  (beat) Is that bad?  Does that make me bad, like, really, really bad…if I did such a thing as that?

Victor, sometimes bad meets evil and the bad quickly realizes that it wasn’t so bad all along and that, in point of fact, that it shouldn’t have been bad at the start of it because evil is something that goes beyond bad’s comprehension.  Evil is something unforeseen.  Evil preys on bad, especially those like you, who have no business knocking on my door.

Joseph Arnone

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